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All Rights Reserved. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
All Rights Reserved. In a court of law one day, says a well-known attorney, one of the coun sel paused in his argument, remark ing to the judge: "I observe that your honor shakes his head at that statement. 1 desire to reaffirm it, although your honor dissents." "I am not aware," coldly responded the judge, "that I have intimated how I shall construe the evidence, nor what my decision will be in the pre mises. Your remark is, therefore, en tirely uncalled for." "Your honor shook his head." "True," said the judge; "there was a fly on my ear. And I'll have you know, sir, that I reserve the right to remove a lly in whatever manner pleases ine."
No Wonder Joe Went. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
No Wonder Joe Went. An excited middle-aged lady bounced into a suburban police-station and ac costed the inspector on duty: "Where's my Joe?" she demanded. "Beg pardon, madam-dog, I pre sume?" said the officer. "Don't you-dare to presume nothing of the kind," snapped the lady. "Dog, indeed! No, sir, husband-my hus band. He's missing, disappeared, de camped--" "You don't say so?" "But I'll have you to understand that I do say so, young man. How dare you sit there and flatly contradict a ratepayer?-leastways the lawful wile of one. I'll report you, sir. Do you hear that? I'll report you! Where's my husband?" "My dear madam ." "How dare you call me your dear madam? Do you think that I came here to be insulted? I tell you my husband has decamped, and you sit there like a dummy? What do you think of that?" "Well, madam;" responded the police inspector. "I haven't the pleasure ot your husband's acquaintance, but I should say he is a very wise man. Constable, show this lady out!"
WINDMILL WIRELESS. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
WINDMILL WIRELESS. Holland is so flat that the wind mills with which it is studded are landmarks that can be seen for mileB. So for centuries the windmill arms have been used as convenient signals. Births, deathB and marriages are often announced by this method in stead of by newspaper. The whole neighborhood knows that there has been a birth in the miller's family if the arms are seen in the po sition of a narow capital X, and with the two upper sails unfurled. It the miller is being married, the arms form a broader X, with all the sails unfurled. A death in the miller's family is announced by the wheel being turned till the arms form an upright cross, with all the sails unfurled. When this signal is shown all the other mills of the region show their sympathy by following suit. The code of windmill "wireless" is quite a lengthy one. The doctor can be called, an appointment postponed, and the message read miles away.
KITCHEN WRINKLES. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
KITCHEN WRINKLES. Lime powder well sprinkled where cockroaches abound will drive them away. If bacon is soaked in water for a few minutes before frying it will pre vent the fat from running. When starching holland pinafores, put a little strong tea into the starch. This keeps the garments a good col or. " - When boiling fowls or fish, add to the water in which they are boiled the juice of half a lemon. This will make tliem beautifully white. ?If moths are in a carpet, spread a damp towel over the part and iron it dry with a hot iron. The heat and steam will kill the worms, and eggs. When washing chamois leathers add a little ammonia to the. water. ThiB cleans .them beautifully, and helps to make them soft and pliable. When making a ro)y-$oly pudding, after spreading the paste ^with jam sprinkle a layer of fine breadcrumbs 'before rolling and tying up. This pre vents the jam from boiling out. Old nail holes in wood may he filled up by mixing sawdust with glue till it is the consisten...
THE BRIGHT SIDE. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
THE BRIGHT SIDE. "Be an optimist!" The speaker was ex-President Taft, the scene a-? New Haven dinner. "Be an optimist! Emulate the poor old tramp! "A poor old tramp was plodding along during the first snow of the sea son. The gelid and moist air pierced through, his flimsy rags. His hands were lilue with1 cold. Nevertheless he shuffled along cheerily enough, through the two inches of snow that covered the footpath! "And this poor old tramp, thus shuffling along, smiled optimistically and remarked: 'There's one good thing about snow: it .hides the holes in yer shoes.'"
TOO LATE. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
TOO LATE. On either side of a desk in a Lon don office sat a man and woman clerk. As the man put it, they "got on well together." Once, indeed, he confided . ' to a friend that he rather believed the lady "quite liked him."-' But he be came engaged to another, and one day, when he unexpectedly announced that, to improve his position and get married, he was taking a fresh situ ation, the lady clerk went home early, "with a .headache." The man did marry-the wrong woman. Ere long he had to sink all his sav ings in divorce proceedings, and, sad der and wiser, he thought of a scheme for happiness. In his old firm there ' was a vacancy; he would apply for it, and-for^now he knew her worth would woo and marry the lady clerk. - The situation he obtained. Before time .on Monday morning he was back in the familiar office. Per haps she would be there early, too! He found a smart stranger before him, a clerk who volunteered: "I ex pect we shall be a bit glumlike to day. We all attended pur late...
The Middleman's Paradise. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
The Middleman's Paradise. Shoes are going up because leather is going up. Leather is going up because hides are going up. HideB are going up because they are scarce. They are scarce because the but chers are killing less cattle. The butchers are killing less cattle because there is less demand for meat. There is less demand for meat be* cause the price Is too high. The price of meat is high because cattle are scarce. The cattle are scarce because the demand is so heavy. The demand for cattle is heavy be cause hides are going up. . Hides are going up because leather is going up. , . - Leather Is goiQg up because shoes are going up. And that is how the customer la squeezed at every turn.
MARRIAGE AND IMPRISONMENT [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
MARRIAGE AND IMPRISONMENT i European divorce reformers have often insisted th.it the imprisonment for life of a husband or wife should entitle the other party to re-marry.. The Brooklyn Supreme Court has re cently decided that the wife of a man imprisoned on an "indeterminate sen tence"-in this instance for not less than twenty years-may re-marry, as the man is "civilly dead." Moreover, the judge declared that her re-mar riage did not require to be prefaced either by a divorce or the annulment of her previous union, while he also decided that even the husband's par don would not restore his marital rightB.
A Horrified Dandy. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
A Horrified Dandy. A dandy, who was seated on. the balcony of an hotel among a large company was exquitely dressed, and very highly perfumed with musk, which is very disagreeable to some persons. A plain farmer, happening to pass near him, commenced sniffing suspiciously, and, looking around him for the cause of the musky effluvia, he soon smelt out the dandy, and thus addressed him: "I say, mister, I can tell ye what'll take that smell out of yer clothes; just bury* 'em for a week under* ground. My uncle ran agin a skunk once, and " But before the sentence was finish ed the enraged dandy sped from the crowd to e3cape the shouts of laugh ter, while the innocent farmer, who only meant to do him a kindness, was wondering what caused his sudden de parture.
He Took Chances. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
He Took Chances. The judge in the wild and woolly West had declared that he would stop the carrying of firearms in the street. Before him appeared for trial a tough youth charged with getting drunk and firing Ms revolver in a crowded street. "Twenty shillings and costs," sai&lt;fl the judge. "But, your honor," interposed coun sel for the prisoner, "my client did not hit anybody." "Why, you admit that he fired the gun?" "Yes; but he fired it into the air," explained, the la,wyer. "Twenty shillings and costs," re peated the judge. "He might have shot an angel."
PIANO AS ANODYNE. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
PIANO AS ANODYNE. The "New York Herald" quotes a curious case of music 'being used as an anodyne. The incident occufred at Poughkeepsie, and the subject was a boy, aged fourteen years, named Ste phen Klanatsky. An artery, in Klanatsky's wrist was cut with a rope while at play. The first repair of the artery was not suc cessful, and accordingly Dr. John N. Bassin decided to re-open the wound and do the work over again. The boy's heart was too weak for ether, and Dr. Bassin called a little girl in from next door, and asked her to play on the piano. She said it was a "Highland Fling." She was asked to play it as best she could, and the iboy was directed to concentrate his mind * on the music, rie did so, and the surgeon perform ed the operation without difficulty. Later, the boy said he felt little pain. Dr. Bassin said he had used music as an anaesthetic on a man less than a year ago, and that it had proved satis factory. .
WIT AND HUMOR. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
WIT AKD HUMOB. Marcella: Why do you suppose Daisy Dashleigh turned her back on Count Castlecrum>ble? Waverly: I think jt was to show the dimples in her Bhoulders. "Fancy you grumbling about your food! I thought you said that your housekeeper cooked so well?" "Yes; but I married her, and now we keep a cook!" Mr. OioBecoyne (during his wife's ,reception): She gives 'em ligbtB; she gives 'em music; she gives 'em food, flowers and champagne, and that's what bha calls luceiviiii:. "So you've been to France again, .Mrs. Comeup?" "Yes; it seems like we can't keep away from dear Paris. Indeed, my , daughter says we're regular Para sites." Doctor (to patient): You've had a j pretty close call. It's only your strong constitution that pulled you through." Patient: Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill. "No, I can't give you a job. I've as many hands now as I can find work for." "Well, that needn't' stand in your way, guv'n'or. The little I'd do wouldn't make no difference....
A SHREWD MANDARIN. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
A SHREWD MANDARIN. A Governor of a Chinese province was taken very ill, and refused to ad mit any visitors into his house. This being told to a mandarin of hie ac quaintance, the latter was very much concerned, and after many importun ities, obtained an interview with him. On his entrance, he was surprised to find n3 signs of sickness in his friend, and asked what was the matter with him/ The Governor at length told him that he had lost the Emperor's seal out ol the cabinet where it used to be kept, and that as the lock remained uninjured he was sensible that the seal was stolen. Of course, he could transact no business, and must soon be deprived of his government, and proba'bly also 6f his life. The mandarin inquired if he had any enemy in the city. The other an answered "Yes," and that that enemy waS an officer of rank whom he had offended, and who was disposed to do him an injury. "Away, then," replied the mandar in; "let your valuable goods be se cretly removed this evening, the...
The Bare Canvas. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
The Bare Canvas. A painter of the "impressionist" school is now confined in a lunatic aBylum. To all persons who' visit his studio, he says, "Look ihere; this is the latest masterpiece of my compo sition." They look, and see nothing ibut an expanse of hare canvas. They ask, "What does that represent?" "That? Why, that represents the passage of the Jews through the Red Sea." "Beg pardon, but where is the eea?" "It has been driven back." "And where are the Jews?" "They have crossed over." "And the Egyptians'/" "Will be here directly. That's tho " sort of painting I like: simple, sugges j tive and unpretentious."
What a Wife! [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
What a Wife! "Pooh!" said a man in an omnibus, as he and other business men were on their way to the City, "my wife is the most methodical, careful, neat wo man you ever saw. It is all non sense for a woman to let a house run into disorderly ways. You ought to see how my wife does things." "Well, of course, that is all very well in theory," responded another;' "but the best housekeeper gets be hind." "My wife never does. She is always the same. She keeps everything in first-class order." "She muBt be a remarkable perton," said another man. "How long have you been married?" "Ten years. And she has never dis appointed me. Why, gentlemen, she always puts everything in the same place, and you know just where to find what you want. For. .instance, I went to my handkerchief drawer thiB morning before daylight, and took out .a handkerchief and put it in my poc ket before starting out, and I knofr just as well as I know my own name that that handkerchief is just such ' a size, and has my in...
Words of Wisdom. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
Words of Wisdom. Dr. J. M. Buckley, who is writing his autobiography in the "Christian Advocate," relates that he once saw Tennyson in the South Kensington Museum with two ladies and two chil dren. Mr. Buckley circumspectly drew near, hoping to overhear some words of wisdom from the great man. He continued these tactics for an hour, hut without success. Tennyson kept right on, saying nothing. At JaBt Mr. Buckley defected some premonitory symptoms of speech, drew softly nearer, and lieard these never-to-he forgotten words: "You hold the children while I get a glass of beer."
Too Good. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
Too Good. After living in a house for some thing under a week, a working-man took the key back to the agent the other day. "What's wrong?" demanded the agent. "Isn't the house good enough for you?" "It's too good, mister," was the re ply. "That's just it; it's too good." "What do you mean?" "Well; the wall* is a-weeping for the sins of the roof, which, being jerry built, and teetotal, takes nowt but water. Every chimney's a non-smolc er, and the 'ouse ain't no place for a hordinary sinner." At the wedding reception the young man remarked: "Wasn't it annoying the way that baby cried during the whole ceremony?" "It was simply dreadful," replied t' e prim little maid of honor; "and when I get married I'm going to have engraved right In the corner of the in vitations: 'No (babies expected.'" It is curious that, a man and a girl who have found room in the same chatir before they marry often find there is scarcely room for them in the same house after they are mar ried. She: What have you...
Choosing Senate Candidates. LIBERAL MEETING AT LISMORE. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
'Choosing Senate Candi ! dates. LIBERAL MEETING AT LISMORE. The Lismore branch of t he Australian Womeii'K National League met at tho Mechanics' Mall on Wednesday after noon, when the principal business was the consideration of the claims of the Liberal candidates who have nominated for selection for the Senate. Six seats will be rendered vacant should a double dissolution occur, and the leagues are asked to choose candidates who, in their opinion, would be most likely to i win them. i At the invitation of the A.W.N.L., i Messrs E. Carrie and A. Thompson (vice-presidents)MrS. II. VVorrall (sec.) and Mr J). ,S. Oman, M.L.A., members of the Lismore branch of the Peoples' | Party, attended the meeting to confer i with the ladies and help them to make ! a selection. Mr W. G. Gibson, the | president, sent an apology for absence. ! Mr E. Currie was asked to preside f over the joint meeting. Me read the ! list of nominations, and asked Mr Oman | for any information he could give on the sub...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
Mr. ERIC L. THOMAS, L.D.S., M.A.C.D., SURGEON DENTIST, of BALLARAT, WILL make a substantial concession on the travelling expenses of patients from this district. Mr Thomas has the best decrees obtainable, and all the latest appliances and methods at his command. Work undertaken in all branches of the profession. Note Address-Only at 8 Bridge© Street, Ballarat. Commonwealth JifeBanh of Bustualta HEAD OFFICE SYDNEY Thin Bank is open for all claws of GENERAL BANKING BUSINESS *t EQUITABLE BUILDING, COLLINS STREET, MELBOURNE Also! at Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, I'erlli, Unhurt, Mrinhanc, Rockhanipton. Towmville, and T.ondon. Cable remittances inadn to, and drafts drawn on foreisfii plrico^ direct. Foreign bills negotiated and collected. Letters of credit issued to any parr, of the world. HilW n?^otiated or forwarded for collection. Banking and Kxch;ui'"'e Husincin of every description transacted within the Common wealth, United Kingdom ami abroad Current accounts opened. Interest paid on...
OUT FROM THE SHADOWS [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 29 April 1914
our FROM THE SHADOWS By IAN GROSVENOR. Nobody ever thought of calling James Hallerton by any other name than that of Plain James. Fortune had not been kind when it fashioned his features. Without being precise ly ugly to the point of repulsion, he .was singularly ill-favored. With the exception of his eyes, there was no redeeming point about his face. The nickname the country had given him fitted him to a nicety; still, though correct in detail, the knowledge he deserved it rankled in the owner's breaBt. At no time did it hurt him more than when he fell in love with the prettiest girl in the village and, in dong so, discovered he was in the running with Steve Batwicke. Hand some as a Greek god, it was but little surprising that Daisy Martin should incline her ear more readily to the latter's lure of accent than to that of Plain JameB. it was a good month before Hallerton made this discovery. When he did he allowed his jealous re sentment of his own imperfections to run riot for the ...