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A Midnight Call. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
A Midnight Call. One of th« Detroit prominent physicians waa routed out of bed the other midnight to find at his door am excited citizen, who asked : " Doctor, is paris green poison t " " Why, of course." " I thought it was, but wasn't quite sure. Would two pounds of it kill a horse ? " " Certainly it would." " I thought so, but didn't want to bet on it." " If your horse has eaten twe pounds of the stuff ho'is sure to die." " Oh, he is already dead-been dead an, hour." " And what do you want of me t I am no horse doctor." " I know it, but I want to know if I'm ob- liged to bury the animal at my own expense ? What is the rule in such cases P " The doctor gare himself away by turning white clear to the neck, and when he let fly with his right leg the man was off the steps and calling back : " I supposed you ware going to do that, I but I didn't want to be too captious about it until dead sure." I
A Splendid Old Settler. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
À Splendid Old Settler. " Did you hear about that riot in Chicago the other day ? " ! "No; whattbontitP" " It was a fearful mob and I thought at first the troops would hare to be called out, but it was finally quieted by an old settler." " How did the old settler quiet the mob P " " The old settler was an egg and it hit th« ringleader behind the ear. Beats the troops ali hollow."
Engaged Him. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
Engaged Him. Stranger :-" Don't you want to hire a | man ?" Coal dealer-"Well, I want a weigher. Hare you any ref erenoes ?" > S.-" Sorry to say I haven't. but it ie not easy for a mau who has been in my business 1 to obtain references." i C. D.-"What business have you been in P" S.-r"I'il be honest with you, Fve been a pugilist, but I've retired from the business. I was champion of the light weights. " . C. D.-" Champion of the light weights P , You're the very man I want. Come in." \
The Supply. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
The Siipplv. ' Thara are 315,000,000 bread customers in Europe. If each one should eat half a bushel more next year than last the differenoe would amount to 150,000,000 bushels. If then, the times of depression in Europe should pass so that the majas could afford to «at all they needed, the difference in demand might ab» sorb all the aurplua at good prices.
The Fancies of Children. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
The Fancies of Children. The chief field for fond and often secret childish fancies is the sky. About three fourths of all questioned thought the world a plain, and many described it as round like a dollar, while the sky is like a flattened bowl turned over it. The sky is often thin one might easily break through; half the moon may be seen through it, wbila the other half is this side ; it may be made of «now, but is so largs that there is much floor sweeping to be dons in Heaven. Some thought the sun went down at night into the ground or just bshind certain houses, and went across or under ground to go up out of or off the water in' the morning ; but forty-eight per cent, of all thought that at night it goes on rolls or flies, is blown or walks, or God pulls it up higher out of sight.
Iron Sleepers. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
Iron Sleepers. Iron or steel sleepers for railroads are urged by Mr. Jeremiah Head, President of the Institute of Engineers, in England, on the ground that metal is better than wood for the purpose, and that the use of wood is most wasteful, «inoe timber will only last some nine yesrs while that in the roof or flooring of a house would endure for a . cen- tury. But how about the glass sleeper F
The German Postal Cards. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
The German Postal Cards, In Germany a printed formula on th« postal cards reads as follows : " Only a few lines today." Then, a blank spaco is left for the written message, ofter which the follow- ing printed fórmala is added: "God be thanked. I am in good health, and hope to hear that yon are also. The weather it -; write soon, and gire my love to alL In haste." This is all very convenient, but suppose the writer doesn't core about thank- ing God on a postal card, or suppose he isn't in good health, what good would J^ie postal ! card do him F
Wit and Humour. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
*An old Irishwoman at Birmingham, when the Inniskilling Dragoons entered that town some tims ago, exclaimed with great delight, " WeU, boys, it's mighty well ye look con siderin' it is over a hundred years since ye were here before !" In a country village a little fellow of about Biz years of age waa sent for a peck of meal for his grandmother. The grocer, hav- ing put rather much in the scale, was in the act of lifting some out, when the youth cried. " Stop, stop ! my grannie's pook'll haud it a'." Two ladies were conversing on the quali- ties and demerits of their own fair sex. Said one with a twinkle of her beautiful blue eyes. " I have never known but two women who were really perfect." "Who* was the other ?" asked her companion, with a smile on her fine thin lip. An old Scotchman was taking a walk and a smoke one evening after supper, when he met the parish minister. His minister ad- dressed him thus :-Are you going to take the air, William ?" " I really think I'll bide butcher...
Sympathy. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
Sympathy. Sympathy is a very good thing to pass ont to your neighbours, as it costs little and often counts for à great deal. Sometimes it is otherwise, as for instance : " I'm so Börry for you, Mrs. Peyster," said Urs. De Johgns, aa she leaned over the back yard fence. " Tour boy Jack must be such a trouble to you." " Trouble to me ? He's enough sight less trouble to me than your boy Tom is to the whole neighbourhood. Jack's got lots of good stuff in him," " Seems to know how to keep it there." " N' I am glad he does. He isn't making a picturesque fool of himself, as "?? Arrangements are being made for a very high board fence between the Peysters and the De Johgnses.
No Change. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
Ho Change. "Got cider her» P" he asked of a farmer on the market. "Yes." " Fresh f" "Just mode yesterday." " I used to make cider myself." "Did you P" "Thousands of barrels. Tan years ago th« proportion used to be six gallons of water to every barrel of cider. I wanted to ask you if there hod been any «hange since then." " Guesi not-haTen't heard of any," was the candid answer.
Gov. Kent, of Maine. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
Gov. Sent, of Maine. One of the stories passel down about Gov .Kent illustrates bis lively sense of humour. After his élection as Governor he started for Agusta in a stage coach. They stopped at a tavern on the way, and the Governor asked the driver to go in and buy him a cigar. The »Governor did not ask'hizn to light it, but he ? came ont of the tavern with the cigar in his 1 .anouth, puffing and holding a match to the 1 other end. After he got the cigar agoing he ' took it from his mouth and handed it to the 0 -&lt;3overnor. Kent turned away with a depre- '. -eatery gesture. "Iguss not," he said, "I might have done it before election, but I .^couldn't do it now," /
Some Turkish Proverbs. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
Some Turkish Proverbs^ '.?*'- ; - .. fr . " The knife's wound heals, the tongue's , atever. The tongue slays moro than the sword; -¡and the tongue is boneless, but it breaks ' bones. He who holds his tongue saves his head. There is no better answer thaa this*; I -know not. I saw not. That which thou -epwest, that also shalt thou reap."
They were Engaged. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
They were Engaged. As the 7 o'clock evening: train was patting into Sawyer City, on the Buffalo, New York & Philadelphia Railroad, a yoang man and bis v oest girl happened to be the only occupants of the rear coach. The young man was im* ? \. proving the opportunity to do a little hug- ging and kissing just at the moment the ' brakeman struck his head into the daor and ' yelled " Sawyer !" " Saw-yer !" As soon aa the young man recovered he retorted: "I :' »don't care if you did, we've been engaged inore than two weeks."
A Diagnosis by Five Doctors. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
A Diagnosis foy Hy* Doctors. AB an illustration of the old earing that " Doctors will differ," the following is related - by a Jersey City physician of unquestioned -veracity:-In the course of alcetare which ; ks was delivering before a number sf physie '_, ians, among whom were several old practit- ioners, he had brought im by the mother a child sk months old, which he stated was . suffering from a very peculiar affection, one ; seldom' seen in this country, and he requested - five of the physicians present each separately -. te diagnose the case. The first gave it as - ' jus medical belief that the child was suffering ' . from-incipient pneumonia; the second, after .-. examination, pronounced it incipient diph- theria ; the third staked his reputation upon its being peritonitis; the fourth «ailed it magrasmus ; while the fifth fell back upon the medical godsend " malaria." When they 'had each made a careful examination, the leoturér said : " Well, gentlemen, have you Anything furt...
Beautifying. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
?S Beautifying. A . " How do you go about beautifying a wo * «OMI P" asked the reporter. "Well, we bring out the eyei by careful penoilinge, shadings, and underlyings. ? The . Washington woman and the actresses under- stand thia kind of thing, the former quite aa l ' well as the latter. The beauteous dowager« seen in Washington drawing-rooms assist nature considerably, I assure you. Beauti tying ia $ie bloom of youth frith them. BAT« yon eyer seen Nast draw * picture, fie draws a line here «nd another there, and when preiently it ii finished yon have the expres- sion. That ia just the way we do. If th« features are too broad we modify them with lines ; if they are too receding we bring them ont in the same way. It's a very simple matter. We keep ideal heads and faces hanging on the wall and approximate to them as closely as we can. Beautifying is an art now. It is studied in Paris and Kew York by many women who will make it the profes- sion of their lives." " How do they beautify th...
An Improvement. [Newspaper Article] — Western Mail — 13 February 1886
An Improvement. The Western journalist is fast acquiring ! the amenities of polite and refined society. Says a Detroit man, " The office boy öf our esteemed contemporary is, in the editor's absence, still trying to palm himself off on the community as his intelligent and well informed principal." Now everybody must admit that thia is a great advance upon the custom which formerly obtained of speaking of a brother editor as "the empty-headed sycophant across the way," or " the presiding jackass of the low-down menagerie whose vile smelling odor«-pollute the surrounding atmosphere." But it ie terribly severe on the office boy.