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Bumptious Cecil. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
Bumptious Cecil. Cecil Rhodes's masterfulness and eense of Importance met with little opposition as a rule, tout a little Ger man clerk in the Transvaal Govern ment offices at Johannesburg before the war taught him a lesson. "Please attend to me at once," thun dered the Colossus, "I can't wait." "When your turn comes, mister," replied the clerk. "Confound you, man! Don't you know who I am?" asked Rhodes. "Oh, yes, I know you; /but don't you. worry about me," was the clerk's un ruffled reply. "If you were in Cape Town I would, .have you discharged at once!" roared the great man. "Yes," said the clerk, very cooily,' "I've heard they discharge people in Cape Town for doing their duty. But this isn't Cape Town-this is a Re public."
Wanted Hanging. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
Wanted Hanging. One morning two celebrated art critics proceeded together to view the pictures in a certain gallery. On en tering the ante-room they found themselves opposite to a number of very long looking glasses. Turning before one of these, one critic remark eu to the other: "You've come here to admire works of art. Very well, feast your eyes on that work of nature," pointing to his own figure reflected in the glass. "Look at it! There's a picture for you!" "Yes," said the other, regarding it intently. "Very line-very fine, in deed. Then, turning to his friend: "Wants hanging, though." Whistler had a French poodle of which he was extravagantly fond. This poodle was seized with an affec tion of the throat, and Whistler had the audacity to send for the great throat specialist, Mackenzie. Sir Morell, when he saw that he had been called to treat a dog, didn't like it much, it was plain But he prescribed, pocketed a big fee, and drove away. The next dry he sent post haste'for Whistl...
The Meek One. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
The Meek One. It is true that the meek have not yet inherited the earth, hut at least one of them got even wih one of he haughty a few days ago. He had spent several hours sweltering in a .waiting room -before the great man would con Hent to see him. When he finally found himself in the august presence, the great man drew out his watch and remarked in a lofty way that 'was in tended to be impressive: "I can spare you just ten minutes." The meek man's eye flashed fire, then he laboriously drew out his watch and proceeded in this wise: "1 am sorry, but 1 can spare you only ifive." And before the great man had recov ered, the meek man had sold him a half-interest in a company whose ob ject it was to provide chest protectors for Polar bears, and to better the con dition of Eskimos by teaching them that soap can be used for other things besides dessert.
Grown-Up Children. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
Grown-Up Children. A railway guard related an amusing little incident the other day. "At an out-of-the-way little Btation in the North," he said, "a party odC working men wished to hook to a town in the Midlands. Unfortunately, the booking clerk had only a limited number of tickets for that journey at his disposal. "Eventually he got out of his diffi culty by (dividing the pieces of paste hoard and issuing children's tickets to the party, at the same time explaining to me how matters stood. " 'They've paid the full fare, of course,' he remarked, 'so you must see 'em through.' "I had almost forgotten the matter, when a ticket-examiner at B came to me and remarked, with a sorrowful shake of the head: "'This underage dodge is getting too warm!' "'What's the matter?' I asked. "'Matter?' he echoed, disgustedly. 'Why, here's a whole carriage full o' children wot plays cards, drinks whis ky, and wears whiskers!'"
His "Mug" Betrayed Him. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
His "Mug" Betrayed Him. The fresh - complexioned young policeman from the country (betrayed by his self-conscious air the disquiet ude tie felt on first going on duty in a London street. He 'was particularly disturbed in mind "by the behavior of a street arab, who sat. on a kerb smok ing a succession of "fag ends," and regarding him with a fixed serenity of gaze worthy of Sam Weller himself. Waiting until he thought lie was un noticed, the new constable apprcuched the urchin. "Now, then," began Robert, "what are you sittin' there for all this time?" "Takin' a day off 111 the country," replied the arab. The inexperienced "peeler," perfect ly new to the species, stared at the product of slumdom in undisguised amazement. 'Takin' a day off in the country!" he echoed. "Why, wherever can you see the country from 'ere?" "In your mug, 0' course," replied the nrab at last, swiftly vacating the kerb.
COMMON-SENSE AND COWS. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
COMMON-SENSE AND COWS. Some especially cheerful idiot has lately proposed that in order to in sure a larger supply of beef, and cheaper prices for steaks and roasts, it should be enacted that no calves may be killed for veal. Not a little commendation has been extended to this idea; as if the Government can properly regulate such a thing by law! It would be just the same to try to increase the supply of eggs by de creeing that nobody should kill a chicken. Suppose it worked, and the price of eggs came down the price ot poultry would go up corresponding ly, and there would probably be more economic loss than gain. Bossy doesn't, get a fair share in the current discussion of her failure to maintain the national meat sup ply. In the first place, she is under the necessity of furnishing milk to the increasing population of cities and towns. A cow that is meat can not also be milk; in fact, a cow that is bred and designed for meat is without much value for milk. They have recently report...
He Came to See the Moon. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
He Came to See the Moon. The death of Sir Robert Ball, the famous astronomer, will be regretted by every one of the many thousands who have heard him lecture, for as a lecturer he had an unusually intim ate and friendly manner that put him on good terms with his audience the moment he began to speak. His fund of good stories, too, was apparently limitless. Among the anecdotes he enjoyed telling was one relating to the time he was at the Dunsink Observatory. A working man called to see him one day, and in reply to Sir Robert's question, he said he wanted to see the moon through the teiescope. "Certainly!" replied Sir Robert; "and if you'll come back this evening I'll be glad to let you use the tele scope." "Can't I see it now?" asked the man in evident astonishment. "No, I'm afraid not," said Sir Ro bert, "\'ou must wait till the even ing." "But, lor' bless ye!" exclaimed the man, "I can see it myself at night without any old telescope." And he walked off with an air of great disgust...
Pity the Editor. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
Pity the Editor. "What's the matter?" inquired the foreman as he entered the sanctum for copy, and noted the editor's swol len forehead, puffed red eye and tat tered, dusty coat. "Did you fall down stairs?" "No-only that," replied the editor, pointing with his finger to a para graph in the paper before him. "It's in our account of the Crapley-Smith wedding. It ought to read: 'Miss Smith's dimpled, shining face formed a pleasing contrast to Mr. Crapley's strong, bold physiognomy.' But see how it was printed." And the foreman read: "Miss Smith's pimpled, skinny face formed a pleasing contrast to Mr. Crapley's strange, bald physiognomy." "Crapley was in liere just now," concluded the editor sadly.
WHAT WE EAT. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
WHAT WE EAT. If you are of average weight, height and appetite, and live to be seventy-five, you will have eaten fifty four tons of solid food and llfty-three tons of liquid. That is. about thir teen hundred times your own weight. If you were to stack the bread you have eaten in this nuniber of years, the pile would equal a fair-sized build ing. The amount of butter you will have used on this bread would come to a ton and a quarter. If you are a lover of bacon, and were to stretch that which you have eaten out in single slices, four miles would be the length. Five tons of fish and 12,000 eggs would stand to your credit, while the normal cheese eater would easily have consumed 4001b. The vegetables you will have eaten would fill a train three miles long. You will have consumed some 10,000 lb. of sugar and l,500lu. of salt.
Cricket. DERRINALLUM V. DARLINGTON. DERRINALLUM AGAIN PREMIERS [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
Cricket. DERRINALLUM V. DARLINGTON. DERRINALLUM AGAIN PREMIERS The final match of the season was commenced at Darlington between the above clubs on Saturday week, and was finished at Derrinallum last Saturday. Darlinjrton batted first, and were dis posed of rather cheaply for &lt;18 runs. Seven of the team failed to score. The Derrinallum batsmen also found that it was a bowlers' day, and when stumps were drawn they had seven wickets down and wanted a run to be level with their opponents. On resuming, they carried their score to HI. Darlington then commenced their second innings, and reached the exact total of Den'inal lum's first innings. On their second essay at the wickets Derrinallum only required the services of three batsmen, getting 51 runs for the loss of a wicket. Donaldson, of Lismore, was the most consistent batsman, and Horwood and D. Walters the best bowlers. The lat did the "hat trick" in the first innings. By their win, Derrinallum retain the premiership. Mr E...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
Mr. ERIC L. THOMAS, L.D.S., M.A.C.D., SURGEON DENTIST, of BALLARAT, jL make a substantial concession on the travelling expenses of patients from this district. Mr Thomas has the best degrees obtainable, and all the latest appliances and methods at his command. Work undertaken in all branches of the profession. Note Address-Only at S Bridge Street, Ballarat. Commonwealth JgjfeBanh of Hustcalta HEAD OFFICE SYDNEY This Bank is open for all classes of GENERAL BANKING BUSINE8S at EQUITABLE BUILDING, COLLINS STREET, MELBOURNE Also at Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, I'orth, Jfobart, Urinbane, Roclthampton, Towrmville, and London. Cable remittances made to, and drafts drawn on foreign planes direct. Foreign bills negotiated and collected. Jjetters of credit iisiied to any parr, of tlio world. Hiili negotiated or forwarded for collection. Hanking and Kxohange liUHiiieHS of every description transacted within the Common wealth, United Kingdom and abroad. Current accounts opened. Interest paid on ...
WHEN WOMEN "POP THE QUESTION." How the Fair Sex Helps Backward Wooers. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
WHEN WOMEN "POP THE QUESTION." rHow the Fair Sex Helps Backward * Wooers. Merc man is often a peculiarly "blate" mortal when it comes to such ?a crucial test of courage as "popping the question." So much, indeed,' is .this the case that numbers of the fair sex have had to propone to back ward suitors, and they didn't wait >Xor Leap Year either. Few of them .popped the question in so many words .for that would have been unniaidenly, tut they managed subtly and surely to lead the bashful swain Into the toils almost before he was aware of lit. Thus one diffident wooer who hesi tated to ask the fateful query was -assisted. "Frank," said his loved one, "auntie says if she likes my lover . she will give us a house." There was a short pause, and then :?he went on, slyly, "I think my aunt . Hikes you, Frank." Then, happily, Frank saw the drift of the .remark, vand, seizing the opportunity, won wife and a house. Similarly situated was another dain ;sel who, having been assiduously wooed f...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
Tii© Big Store, Lismore, Is the place for Good Value, Good Service and Wide Selection. Graham, & Carry the Largest General Assortment of Drapery, Grocery, Crockery, Hardware, Timber, Produce, etc., on the Plains. Our stock is now the heaviest on record, and meets every possible requirement for the AUTUMN and WINTER SEASON. Careful buying has characterised our DRAPERY DEPART MENT, which is now replete with Bargains in Dress Stuffs, Ladies' Costumes, Coats, Golfers, Furs, Rain Cloaks, Flannel and Delaine Blouses, Underwear, and every article of feminine attire. At our prices, every woman can afford a NEW WINTER OUTFIT. Don't put off till next month the dress you should buy to-day. HEADWEAR is an important item in a lady's toilet. That is why we have secured t,he services of MISS PEPPER, an ex perienced Milliner,: who will trim ladies' hats in the newest fashions. We stock everything required for MEN'S WINTER WEAR. Heavy Tweed Suits, stylish patterns, ready-to-wear or to measur...
GOURMET'S LOVE SONG. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
GOURMET'S LOVE SONG. As is the mint sauce to the lamb,. As is the fried ckk to the ham, As is the 'possum to the yam, Are you to me! Like pork without the apple sauce,, hike hot cross buns without the ejrossy Without you, love, a total loss v My life would be!. Like apple pie without the cheese,. Or juicy lamb without the peas, Or lemon ice that will not freeze, Would be my life. You are the syrup to my cakes, You are the mushrooms to my steaks, And so 1 bes for both our sakes, Oh, be my wife! New York "Globe.
WIT OF THE WEEK. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
WIT OF THE WEEK. Success isn't so much getting what you want as getting what other peo ple want. When a girl is as pretty as a pic picture it may be because she does her own developing. Anything that has to be whispered brings men and women nearer to gether-naturally. There are very few words on a page after the first chapter of most real-life love stories. Many a woman who otherwise has excellent eyesight cannot see through her own husband. For most people marriage is a game of chance, but for some women spinsterhood is a dead certainty. "The happy couple had known one another for only five short weeks be fore their wedding." Think of it. And plenty of miserable couples don't know one another twenty-live long years after their wedding. A coquette is a rose from which every lover plucks a leaf-the thorns are reserved for her husband.
SAYINGS OF TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 15 April 1914
SAYINGS 0J-1 TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY. Give a poor man help and. he* ft love-, you i'or a week. At the end of that: time he'll begin to hate you because you don't give him more help.-Sam. Stimson. The doctor may use hieroglyphics in writing his prescription, but he takes care to write his bill so we can. understand it.-Norman Hapgood. The man who succeeds very young,, who climbs up the ladder unusually fast, stamps on a good many people's, fingers.-J. Hoxworth. Lots of people are ju«t bubbling over with enthusiasm, but unfortunately bubbles don't accomplish much.-Na than Levey. Fat men are seldom meaner than, thin ones, in spite of the fact that' there is more of them to be mean; Greenwood Lake. When the average man discharges; an obligation you can hear the report' for miles around.-Wstelle Klauder. Some of these new brooms that seem tc sweep clean arc In reality only throwing dust in our eyes.-F. Dillon. Our castles in th.; air generally iii&lt; elude an heiress -Asley Sterne....