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Too Late. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 21 March 1885
Too Late. He took her hand in his, and poured into her ear the soft, sweet story, told over and over again since the world was young. She smiled into his trusting face. " I love you," he gurgled. -" Do you ?" she murmured. "Do you loveme ?" he inquired. 'Don't ask me conundrums," she replied. "But Ilove you, darling," he went on, " and I have given you my whole heart. " have kept none of itback. It is all yours, all ~yours." " Mine to do just what I please with?" she asked, in the sweet simplicity of girl womanhood. "Yes, darling." "Then I shall give it to Mary Martin. She wants it, I know, and I haven't got any usa for yours and Bob Brown's too, and Bob gave me his last night. You are too late." He had discovered that he was.
Didn't Care About Futures. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 21 March 1885
Didn't Care About Futures. "1 have longed to go into the newspaper business, and 1 think that I have some good ideas, too," said a ruddy-faced youth as he entered our office. ' Yes," said we, "why we have enough humor in this office to excite the risibilities of a corpse, and what we want is a man that can sit down and pen off a few brilliant ideas." The stranger told us that he would some day call at'the office and write some gems, which he thought would startle the public. '.' Oh, well," said we, "just sit down at that table over there, and show us what you can do. We are short of copy anyhow, and maybe you can help us out." "All right," said the stranger, and he sat down at the table, scribbled a few moments, and then.laid a piece of paper on the editor's desk, with the following words written on it': The pen is mightier that the sword." SWe looked at him a moment and said : ".That's yery good. Please explain it to us." "Why, certainly, I'll ekplain: What do you want me to explai...
How is it. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 21 March 1885
. ow is it. S!'Love is blind'.. We .bjelieve this state Iment:is a -generally. acknowledged fact, and 'accounts for our finding the gas turned down in the parlour lihen i one of the numeious young men acquaintances of our daughters is on a visit .Love being blind, there is no 'use in;wasting gas for it. Love ought also. to inspire, its votaries with enough ggs to carry, an :average three -hohrs tete-a-tfte. ,through. :We 'don't know how it is that, not withstanding a.large portion of our family go in for billing and cooing,.our gas bill tots up just the same at the end of the-month as it ised to:before ouir famnily took to-the rubbing gums businiess. .Th. demand of the people-" Give us a rest;" Lankson (who looks older than he is) ' By the way, Plumpton, there is about a year's difference in our ages, isn't there ?" Plumpton (who looks younger than he is) "A year! Why, when I was a little boy, and you used to pass our house, I remember my father saying, ' There goes old Lankson,'"
He Deserved It. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 21 March 1885
f leDeserved It. SA yoing fellow of our acquaintance who is training for the 'laiv, just before his ex amination, asked a well-known legal :gentle 'mianito examine hiin, as he thought he was nott quite! fit,; and .if so he would piostpone his application, should.he be so advised, till some otlher,tiime.. . The young .man was' rather deficient in "'Blackstoie:" .: It':'looked very much as ,tho?igh he lacked the requisite preparation.:. .",Do' you know what f'raud is :in the 'judieial sense of the word ?" inquired the . examining attorney.': :? ' I odo't--I: hardly think I. do," ias the stammering reply.,:: : .". Well, -fraud- exists..when a man takes advantage of his superior knowledge to injure an ignorant person." " So that's it, is it ? Then if you take advantage of your superior knowledge of law to ?csk me questions 1 can't answer, owing to my ignorance, and, in "consequence theireby, I don't pass, I will be injured, and you will be guilty of fraud." ' The lawyer was very thought...
A Plea for the Charitable. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 21 March 1885
A Plea for the Oharitable. I am. a joke. ,I am known as " Bon mot," " Witticismn" and "Good thing." I am unacquainted with my parentage, but it is supposed to reach back to the deluge.. Since then, however, I have been fathered on many persons. For instance "A celebrated wit once said," etc.. "DeannSwift, chancing to meet," etc. "' A wild- wagiat a supper party,$'' etc. "A mad rogue, contemplating a, merry jest," etc. After a lengthy stay with -Mr. Joseph Miller, I became the companion of Mr, Thomas Hood. Later' I. became the property 'of -H. J ,Byron and F. C. Burnand, and, arriving re cently. in Victoria, I was instantly seized by an Australian, with- whom I have spent many fights in the Legislative As sembly. A few monthsback I-stared the " country' with a comic singer, but was badly received I therefore returned to the city and took up a habitation at a newspaper office. Having done good service in my time and made many people profoundly sad, and thoughtful, I think it only fair...
Nuptial Fancies. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 21 March 1885
Nuptial Fancies. Marriages take place at all kinds of places -from caprice, love of notoriety, and some times from untoward circumstances. Re. cently a couple were united in a railroad car riage. The stage-coach has furnished the place where the bridal vows have been spoken. People have been married on horseback, in towers and balloons. The writer once participated in a wedding on the piazza of a summer cottage on one of the Thousand Islands, the moonlight glinting the majestic river that flowed beneath, and crowning the fair bride with such splendour as the king's daughters well might envy. Niagara has witnessed the marriage vows, and behind the bridal veil of Minnehaba Falls many a couple have been made one. A minister several years, ago married a couple from his chamber window, telling them to come round in the morning and sign the necessary. papers. The making out of the preliminary papers, if the clergyman is a man of tact, is usually done after the ceremony, for not seldom is ...
Squibs [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
Suggestion for an additional title for the Earl,of Derby.-Baron Blunderbore~ The air is still full of suggestions as to the imost effective way of.' smashing the Mahdi." QOie of the bestconies, we are giveh to under sta, from Mr.:Harwood, who proposes to ~tak over the Thedatre Royal company and •gvey' free performance before the Mahdi and his 'followers. It: is a noble aind generous offet, and-the company could hardly wadei back. The office of the B2unyip, a breezy little. paper published in Gawler, S.A., was recently destroyed by fire.. The journal is iow issued firom ia cask.: It is generally admitted, by: those who kiew him; that if the editor had not been in the habit, of carrying matches in his hat, it would never have taken fire. Which sion~wsthat, though it may lie convenient, it is not always safe to carry your office on your head. , I ;Talking about widows, the suicides last week were those of three widows and one single girl. Now this is turning theI tables with, a vengean...
A Gas-pipe Romance Condensed. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
A sia oine Condensed. 1 Algernon Sidney Fitzoorli Brown was in stalled in his palatial mansion. Wine flowed, beauty smiled ; money flowed and beauty smiled more sweetly. All was joy and soda. h . 1",t. ;2,I The taill ? e a•dlly must have that little bill t j lier.lthe shoemaker, the butcher, and the baker all said so. Ho l'fbr mine uncle! ..Give me monies! Again beauty smiled, but this time it was more Affa grin, and all again was joy, and a little more soda. 3 ( When the crash came, and beauty turnfed up its little pretty nose, the tailor was most moderitteiof'all. He was pevpi pain: Tailor should hatdliexcept;it," this on' vo'ed thi?ave revenge. He had it. 4 Insolvent Court. (Too harrowing for future description.) Years had passed ! Twas a gloomy night in winter, sloppy and drizzly. Twelve o'clock' sounded from the post-office tower through the mist and rain, when a lean, miserably= clad male form might have been seen! (if anyone had been there to see it) Xee i??un s 1dil t et of ...
The Deceived Detective. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
. -The"Deceived Detective. SItwas in the afteriioon 'of= a dull, rairly day, towvards.the, end of November, that I wit`sittihg by myself ini our little inner office dlooking at the expanse of dull, gray wall that formed my only prospect from the not over-clean window, and thinking. I had read every square inch in the niewspaper, I had; made out all the' necessary papers and. dIocuments, an~dilnov?ith ?literally "ndthing todo,Z' lIwas musing about Ellen Palmer, -and wondering how long it would be before I shouldsbe able to mairry her.: Whilst I was tthus,musing 'th dodr opened, and Mr. Carter came .in..-"Mr.' Carter Was 'our "chief "-a dark, silent little man, with a square, stern mouth',aid clouded grey eyes, which ap peared aliiostt epressionless when they were 'tiirhnd filhl il~i yo'u, a~rd yet they seemed to seeevei'-hing at one comprehensive glance: "Mere'dith," he said, in, a quiet, subdued tone that jwas natural to him, "-didn't?you sayio;iwerd getting tired, doing nothing?" "...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
".?" i&~~~''~f^»^t~sl^^ ".-Any desriptid n of General Priinting exeouted in e ( 1ass tyls with ' Quick Despatch, and for Moderate rce, ate Office of S. . ... . . .this Newspaper o. ,. . . . S te ,dve,-tlsing Department every effort is made to satisfy custmers-Special Inducements for Large Advertisements, aIdew uot ct r i "
Buying a Piano. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
Buying a Piano. "Now, listen to me, and I'll tell you some points about the piano business," said a local piano dealer to the reporter. ",You see, every woman knows all about a piano. If she dosen't, some one else does, or thinks so, and.is sure to tell her. . There's £20 pro. fit to us on a £60 piano, if we get it; but we don't--there's the trouble. We have to divide. 'A lady comes' into the shop and 'says she wants to buy a piano. After try ing o6ery instrument in the place,: or having us try them, and getting all the prices, she says "'I'll not make up. my mind to-day. I'll get my daughter's music teacher, who knows all, about pianos, to come down and try 'them.' " Next day along comes the music teacher, with 'a card which says she is from the'Con servatory" of bMusic at Milan. :Why, I've had cards enough of old Milaieis to'fill the Conservatory, -let alone, )leave room for "teacheirs and pupils. Says the teacher, after i've got 'roer thic paralysing effect of the .'" 'I'll be do...
Light and Healthsome [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
1A batchelor's bin;. Bin and gone and done A meet of the Melbourne hounds.-Dog's -meat.-- . , SA q p]dgof' love-Pawning the engage. menit'ring. A railway collision-Two trains trying to pass on the same line ! Romeo never cared for the month of June. "You'9s-eeit Was not 7ilfy et ! Why is canary-seed .like a drunk and dis orderly ? Because it goes before the beak I -The-City-Bench is said.to be a good invest. ment: more interest than principle 1 Sent;discourses are,.not always borrowed. sermons ; sometimes they are stolen I A oard, of .Health required by the work ing classes A'icupboard well filled. Should ?iyourequire a screwdriver, you can :alwa 'get'plety at the niearest cab stand.. When 'hc new-Law Courts were being completed two barristers went to view the ground where they must shortly lie ! :A'husband and wife generally equal ten single.persons.' The wife is'number one, and Sthe hudsband goes for nought.' - A fool'not only makes a mistake but keeps up his.reputation: for. fool...
Curing a Drunkard. [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
Curing a Drunkard. The shameful conduct of Walter Clark, a young man in theemploy'of a 'wine and: spirit merchant, was once a constant3ource of trobhle to his engaging little wife,iand a topic of. conversation amongit'his neighbilrs.' Night afterniight he would go homerin the same condition as the man who-once asserted; that he owned land in the Hobsoni's Bay, and' that the.. carpenters were putting ai"picket: fence round his property in order to keep the, cows out. h Mr. Clark had the blessing of four young children, but his parental thoughts were, as a rule, much too weak for his whiskey and water,, which., was. almost. as a-strong--as' boarding-house butter, and fullyequal to the consistency of the flavors which are, gently wafted from the Yarra right into .the city.. Now Mrs." Clark 'was" getting considerably tired of her existence, and determined either to put a stop to her husband's immoral ways, or to endeavour to gain' admittance 'to :the' heavenly choir by the `agency of pr...
The Mysteries of Freemasonry [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
The 1Iysteries of Freemasonry. A New Zealand paper 'offers the kfollowing revelations (?) of'the' ceremonies' and iilys teries of Fieemasonry,: At initiation the novice is taken into the lodge, led backwards on all'fouis, the right wrist and left ankle hobbled with a swivel chain. A grated iron' niuzzle is placed over his mouth, through, the, bars. of which 'the chaplain (who must be.;ordained) inserts a p sir of red-hot tweezers; and pulls out the superfluous hairs from the nostrils., 'The novice, who is in nuitre pi'uibits; naturally shriuks back waril at the:process, and is dex terously bIranded with the 'letters,:D. W.OC. A past master then breathes the spirit of the order through his own 'nose jnto that of the candidate. .A 'large cross , 'made of prickly' acacia w.ood, is now brought :in,,'oni which the novice is seated aitride, 'with thlie brands downwards. A billey-goat ,is harnessed thereto;?:and he" is dragge? d seven times round. the lodge; stoppiii ' seven' times to make...
An In-conger-uity.) [Newspaper Article] — The Queenscliff Sentinel — 28 March 1885
An.In-'conger-city,; In the throat of a large co?ger eel,, ate ly brought`intAo'Parramaitta, the fishmonger found a, purse containing a half soverign and a dozqni'bus tickqts W]hatnintcongerdiity'd One' can a:igine the purse-istent efforts made by the eel to relieve itself from the in cubus of so mulch purse-onal estate, 11 .T