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WANTED TO KNOW. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
WANTED TO KNOW. New Boarder ( gently ) " Hasn'b this butter rather—er— a peculiar taste, Mrs. Slimdiet ? " Mrs. Slimdiet: "That? That's roll butter, sir." New Boarder : " Yes—er—I suppose so ; but where have they been rolling it?" - "I handle more letters in a day than yo'u do," said a man to one of Britain's postal employes. "Indeed ! What post-office do you work in ?" , • "Don't work in a post-office at all J I'm a compositor !" Madge: "Charlie proposed twice before I accepted him." Marjorie : "Didn't you hear him the first time ?" Willie "How did you break your wife of the 'advanced woman' erase ?" Wise : "Told her everybody thought it meant 'advanced' in years." Freddy : " A financier is a man who makes a lot of money, isn't he, pa ? " Papa : " No, Freddy. A financier is a man who gets hold of a lot of mon ey other people have made."
A SPOONERISM. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
A SPOONERISM. A certain courtly and cultivated clergyman, was so overcome with stage-fright when he commenced his first sernun, that, instead of the re ference to ihe bottomless pit, that he intended to make, he astonished' liis hearers by beginning tremulously " Ladies and gentlemen, the pitom less bott—" A True Weather Indicator.—Look steadily at the smallest cloud you can see. If it decreases and disappears it will show a state of the air that will certainly be followed by fine weather, hut if it increases, expect rain.
HE GOT IT AT LAST. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
HE GOT IT AT LAST I The bullring manner BOinetimes assumed ' by certain bariisteis in ci'oas-exsmination In older to confuse a witness ia notorious, and many are the tales told sf witnesses wha have turned tbe tables on their prosecutors. The following relates to a case ef this kind: In • civil action on money matters the plaintiff had statei that his financial posi tion was always satisfactory. In cross examination he was asked if ever he had been bankiupt. " No," was the answer. ^ Next question wag: " Now be careful; did you ever stop payment ?" " Yes," was the reply. ' Ah!" exclaimed the counsel, "I thought we aheuld get it at last. VThsn did tbnt hap pen ?" " After 1 paid all I owsd," was the answer.
LOGICAL. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
LOGICAL A story is told of a judge who hail the bypnatic plea raised bsfer* him by a burglar. The prisoner claimed that lie (lid not know that he was " burgling "—that he did it automatically and tiaccnsciously, under tbe direction of a hypnotist. The judge said he would give him the full benefit of tbe law, and also ef his hypnotic miafeitune. lie thereupon sentenced the man to lire years' penal servitude; but he could send for the hypnotist, and bave him self made unconscious for the entire term of his imprisonment. •'The same power," said tbe Judge, " which enabled you to cemmit burglary and not know it ought also to enable vou to sufft r imprisonment, with hard labour, and not be a ware of it. At any rate that is tbe Best I can do for you."
TRANSLATED. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
TRANSLATED. One w»t day a Scottish seitant girl happened ta step into a heap of mire, and re turned home with hei clathes much soiled. " What have you been doing?'' asked her mistress. Oh," said she, •' I stopped lot* a hum pluck o' elaur." '• And what's glaur ?" " Just claiits," said the girl. " But what's clairts ?" " It's just clabber." "Hut dear me! What is clabber," " (Jlabber is draokit stour.'1 " But what is droakil stoiir," insisted the amazed lady. " Wee)," said the girl, "A.'ve oae patience wi' jo ava. Ye ken as weel as me; it's just wat dirt."
LONDON'S QUEEREST SUNDAY MARKET. THE TRADE IN LIVE EELS. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
LONDON'S QUEEREST SUNDAY | MARKET. i THE TRADE IN LIVE EELS. London at /ire o'clock on Sunday morning is about as quint as London ever i«. Here and there a few Sunday League trippers may be seen making for some railway station to get a goad seat before the rush commences, er some oreatnre who lias jmt left his night's resting place on the Embankment shuffles aimlessly by, But beyond this Lon don is asleep. THE LIVE BEL MARKET. It is not asleep everywhere, though. In Upper Ground-street, for instance, which ruos parralel with the Thames between Blackfiiars and Waterloo Bridges, it will b* teeming with life, for the lire eel uiuiket i» open here at this time. The '^niggers,'' ;ib the eel dealers are terned, begin to arrive at abeut half-past four, and by Ave e'clock the market is in full swing. By eight or nine e'clock it will all be over, nnd the street then reiumss its uiual aspect of sqaalid drean neis. At this market no weights are used, The fish are SOLDv BY THE "GRAB." That ia t...
CELERY FARMING. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
CELERY FARMING. The Dutch have always been famous gardeners, and it is a matter of com mon knowledge how tliej' can turn the most unpromising and swampy land to valuable account. A colony of Dutch market gardeners not long ago settled at Kalamazoo, Michigan, and took possession of what would seem to most people a worthless and dis- 1 inal swamp.. They have drained and 1 cultivated this land in such a manner that it is now worth a large sum per acre. Their chief crop is celery, and from a total area of 500 acres, which is divided into small holdings of one acre or even less, they send away annually, over twelve million heads of that succulent vegetable. The quality of- the celery' is so good that it is greatly sought after, much of it finding its way.-as far east as Phil adelpliia.— "Chambers* Journal" SUGAR 'The world's consumption of sugar is stated to have doubled in 15 years while that of Great Britain has trebled per head in 40 years. Sugar has proved to be - a great encrgy-prod...
THE GOOD LITTLE BOY. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
THE GOOD LITTLE BOY. "Why what's the matter little boy ? > Sit down and tell your Aunt." "Sitting is very nice employ, But that's just what I can't." "Why can't you sonny ? have you been To interview your father." The boy replied, his sobs between, While snivelling loudly. " Rather ! " "What did he do to~make you sad? What did you do to make him ? " "I only took the things lie had,' And got the cook to bake 'em. He tried his razor on the strop Before commencing shaving, And found it off. Because my top Is hardwood ; and the paving Is not what he calls " turkey stone." I could not quite help that. And when he had me all alone, He str-str-stropped me with the cat. DAME DURDAN. And now you'd better run away and play I'm sure I've had enough of you to day. Tommy and Madge seize their hats j and rush out with great noise while Dame Durdan holds up her hands in | despair.— ■Exeunt omnies. Mr. Fiskuff ( after conversing with neighbour ) : " Johnny, whose fault was it that Tommy Tuflin g...
BRIQUETTES FROM CARBAGE. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
BRIQUETTES FROM GARBAGE. A& process lias been discovered in France by which garbage is converted into briquettes. It consists ot minc ing' the refuse' from' abattoirs, fish markets, etc., strawj- paper, and the like, and adding tar and naphthalene. The whole mass in then mixed in a kneading apparatus, dried, and press ed into briquettes. The director of the Paris Municipal Laboratory says : —"These briquettes have a slight odour of gas, burn brightly, and en gender heat slowly. With a more highly perfected method of manufact ure, they will engender less ash, and the heat producing qualities will be about the same as those of common coal. They will also possess the advantage of burning slowly and tie veloping no smoke."—1 'Invention." When baking cakes of any kind, if the yolks only of the eggs are mixed in the cakes,' and the whites all beaten stiffly, mixed very lightly on the top after the mixture is put into the tin, the cakes will rise and be beautifully light, and also ...
NEED NOT RETURN IT. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
NEED NOT RETURN IT. _ x. — A man was passing along a Wood Green thoroughfare, when he drew near to some labourers who were en gaged in building a house. As he passed by a brick accidently fell, striking him on the shoulder. Look up to the men, who were two stories high, he shouted indignantly : " Hi ! up there ! You just dropped a brick ! " " All right," responded one of the bricklayers. " You needn't trouble to bring it "up ! " An old lawyer , in examining a witness who had been in the army said : ^ " Come soldier, tell us what you know of this matter." "I am no soldier—I am an officer, haughtily replied the witness. Whereupon the lawyer said calmly : " Well then, officer, who is no sold ier, tell us what you know." To Make Eau-de Cologne.—Five drachms of essence of bergamot, five drachms of essence of citron, four drachms of essence of lemon, two and a half drachins of rosemary, two drops of essence of orange-flowers; alcohol or ordinary spirits of wine, of the strength usually-so...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
GREAT BICYCLE SALE NOW ON AT A. W. BEER'S: CYCLE DEPOT*.. lJowral. No. Reasonable, Offer Refused. HOUSE-PAINTING, PAPER HANGING, DECORATING, GRAINING, ETG; Workmanship Guaranteed! . All Orders Promptly Attended to; A.TS!=G--®'rJCV~ (Workshop Opposite Milton-HoiiGO, Bowral).-. "560. SEEDS, fill kinds; FRUIT TREES ; SHRUBS ■ BEST and CHEAPEST in stock. 40 PACK, ETS, TRAIN PAID, 10s. . . A.. LANSDOWNE & CO:, ' ■ ®" - Goulburn. A. W. Beer has Bikes for Hire. TO MEM. : Write (or free copy of valuable bo >k about yourselves your health, yonr happiness, yonr future. It contains a full exposition of the human E-ystem and tho remedies adonted. No need to consult doctors. Posted free in sealed envelope, Every niun should read it. Address—G. Spcclxlc, 539 lilizaboUi-street North Melbourne. TO LADIES. Ko need to consult doctors or chemists.' The remedies you require In your own hands. Write for free copy of valuable bookahout yourselves, your health, your welfare. Every woman should ...
DAME DURDAN. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
DAME DURDAN. I think we'll have a quiet little hymn So get your music books and sing with vim. The children get their music and each sings a different tune. Dame Durdan does not notice this at first, but presently tries to stop tliem, and is unable to do so until she rises and forcibly takes away their books.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
dramatis personae. Dame Durdan :-An old time school mistress. Tommy Tootles .-A lively little fellow.—A Chip of the old block. Madge Merryeyes :-A girl of the ,oriod—in the chicken stage. qcene -—A country school-room con Jnfng a table, without cover, wo common wooden chairs, an emp y imi,tle pens, copy books, and the ac Australia, and a black board. Fnter Dame Durdan—in character, Jttjarge poke bonnet, cottontfJJJ drum, and penny-wliistle-ftte. DAME DURDAN. Oh dear me ! did you evei see Such girls and boys for-making noise. He?e they come, with fife and drum, And rout and rattle, like a battle, Or house allire. I will expire Of worry & fright some day, or night. Enter Tommy Tootles and Madge Merryeyes, (boisterously.) Now Tommy, wipe your boots you ' little brat. . • I never know what next you will be at Why were you not at school the other day 1 TOMMY TOOTLES. Mv mother had a cold & made me stay At lvome, to mind the baby, don t y know ? DAME DURDAN. I'm very much ...
MADGE MFORRYEYES. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
MADGE MFORRYEYES. I'll tell the Missis what you've done, TOMMY TOOTLES. I did'nt do nothing, MADGE MERRYEYES. You did, TOMMY TOOTLES. I didn't, MADGE MERRYEYES. You did, you nasty son of a gun. DAME DURDAN. What's all this about ? Now Tommy what's, the matter ? TOMMY TOOTLES. She pulled my hair, MADGE MERRYEYES. . He's been an' gone an' spaller !d my copy book w if ink, just think of that " Just look at it. , TOMMY TOOTLES. It serves you right you cat. DAME DURDAN. Come ! come ! I cannot have this language, little boy. Behave yourself, or I'll this stick em ploy. Now will: you please, to stand up. Quite upright, And eacli your lillje poetry piece recite. Now Tommy, you begin and do it well, And let your actions too, your story tell. TOMMY TOOTLES. The pathetic history of Jack and Gill" Jack and .Gill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down-and broke his crown, Gill cracked her sides with laughter. Jack went home and did complain Unto Dame Gill, lus mother, She said...
DAME DURDAN. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
DAME DURDAN. Well,.well, you are an aggriwatin set. I'd rather have a tiger cub for pet. Now come, we'll have Geography, and you,must know The country where the oranges and melons grow. And where the little hills are under snow. Where people walk with their heads hanging down, J And white swans black, and blue birds always brown, And where the cherries grow their stones outside, And oysters roost on trees above the tide, Where plants grow with their roots up in the air, And crows are white & black-fellows are fair. While Dame Durdan is occupied in preparing the map, Tommy amuses himself by making faces at Madge, who retaliates by pulling his hair. Tommy then upsets the ink bottle over Madges' copy, book which has been blotted in anticipation. A :>crim-) mage ensues
'MRS. BURSILL. [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 23 April 1902
MRS. BURSILL. We regret in this issue to have to re- cord the death of Mrs. Bursill, wife of Mr. T. E. Bursill, of Robertson. Mrs. Bursill, who has been suffering for some &nbsp; time with liver complications, and later &nbsp; with pneumonia, sought relief by admis- sion to the Cottage Hospital at Bowral, but, not withstanding, the skilful medical attention of Dr. A. S. Vallack, and the most careful nursing, her illness proved to be unto death, and she expired on Monday morning last. The deceased was 37 years of age, and was a daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. Brown, senr., of &nbsp; &nbsp; Robertson. She was a resident of &nbsp; Robertson for many years, during which she has endeared herself to a large circle of friends, among whom her presence will be greatly missed. The.sympathy of all &nbsp; goes out to the bereaved husband, Mr. T. E. Bursill, and his relatives in their sad bereavement. By her death two little boys, aged respectively 6 a...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 26 April 1902
No Opiom. in* CriA3inuitLAiN.'a Couoii~&lt;.-Rrmri>y;—• Mapy cough, ciu'pk otiiitaiii opium. The. effect of tiiis drug is to diminish secretion of,the mucus, nnd: tiio relief nfiniileil is,only,temporary.- As soon. 08 tho effect of'the opium passes off, the malady re turns in a more severe form.' The system-is also won Icon ad nncl rendered more susceptible to cold. Chntriterltiin s Cough. Remedy does not contain opium in any any fonn. It affords relief aiid leaven, ilie system in n healthy condition. It always cares and cures quickly. D. Morgan, Chemist, Howral, sells it. Divorcers Tory, onsy. iji Turkey, and does, not rrquire a judgo and jiiry tosettlo tho. niiittor. 'All iliiit is tiuut'swy is ■ f; »v tho .injured pnvty- to, s«y, "I tliviivc-.t jMti, ■' tiireu tiinuj, and iho deftd ■is/ionu; Tho liunband lias tu imiko. llje'rtW,ifo-.--a. li i i>i;i dllijwaucc ttud all „ .
Ethereal Phantoms [Newspaper Article] — Bowral Free Press — 26 April 1902
Ethereal Phantoms By A BANKER. During the long and weary, rriar-. ches of the British troops ill Upper Egypt and the Soudan, in the course, of the great expedition which res cued that latter country from the oppression of the Mahdi,and placed, i it under the protection of the, glori [ ou.s British flag,- the jaded spirits of the. soldiers were occasionally revi vified by the distant prospect' of a beautiful pellucid lake, whose shim mering, outspread; \yaters were rip pling in gen.tly.undulating, glittering wavelets.' With renewed vigour the. brave men pressed forward; over that 5 parched, arid; sand ; the.burning sun beating down,uponthem was disre garded ; the, fatigue, was, forgotten; and their spirits : rose, in the. near prospect of resting beneath the, shade o.f the waving fronds, of those .ever- welcome, palm trees, and.- bath ing in the refreshingcoolness bf that b.reeze.-swept lake, ' ■ But they appeared' to. get no nearer. Still, a few miles distant, glitteredthe. gently a...