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Correcting a Gusher. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
Correcting a Gusher. IBret liarto was so frequently corn. pllontnted as the author of "Little Broeechea" that he was almost as sorry as was Colonel John Ilay, the real author of the verses, who preferred llis 'ame to rest on more ambitious works. A gushing lady who prided herself upon her literary taste said to hin onc:- ".My dear M1r. Ilarle, I am so do. lighted to meet you. I have road everything you ever wrote, but of all your dialect verse there Is none that compares with your 'Little Breeches.' " "I quite agree with you madaml," salld Mr. Hlarte; "but you have put the little breeches on the wrong man."
SHE WAS THE NECK. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
SHE WAS THE NECK. There are husbands who, among their male companions, like to have it supposed that they are just a lit. tie tyrannical at home. One such man, who had two or three friends at his house one evening, remarked, as they were chatting together com fortably at a rather late hour: "Yes, I do what I like at home, My wife, she has to bond to my will, I can tell you. In my own house I'm a re gular Julius Caesar." IHis wife came into the room in time to hear this last sentence. The tyrant of his household looked a lit. tie uneasy, but his wife neither frowned nor, apparently, paid any at tention to the remark. But, after a moment, ehe remarked, very positive ly: "Gentlemen, it is late. and Julius Caesar has got to go to bed." Whereupon the husband arose, stammered his excuses, and retired. leaving his guests to find their way o t as best they could. It was in another household that the husband once remarked to his wife: "You knlow, my dear, that I'm thel honr of the house." "Y...
A RAILWAY EXPERIENCE TRAVELLING IN INDIA. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
A RAILWAY EXPERIENCE TRAVELLING IN INDIA. This amusing experience on an In dian railway is related by a writer in "Blackwood's; "Personally, I cannot sleep under a bright light, or indeed under any light at all. I was much annoyed, there fore, when we were safely bedded down, and the train had started, to find that I could not put the light out. However, an old traveller is seldom at a loss, After tossing about for half an hour in a vain courtship of sleep I rose, and, with some difficulty, succeeded in securing a decent ob scurity by buttoning my trousers over one lamp and hitching my wife's skirt over the other. Then, following the good example which she had already sect, 1 fell asleep. "At some place which we reached about 3 am, there seemed to be an unusual scurryliig of slippered feet on the platform and much excited chatter, as of those who seek room and find it not. Some local festival no doubt or marriage feast was setting the country folk astir. The door of our carriage was...
Rebounded. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
Rebounded, "I say, Smartmani," said the land, lord of a small country inn, "there's Silly John in the next compartment. Suppose you tell him this new farth. Ing is a ha:lfsovereign, and send him across to the police.station for change. It will be a fine bit of fun." Smartman laughed, and replied: "Glorious, glorious! Bend him here, landlord, at once," "Well, John, would you like to earn a shilling?" queried Smartman. John grinned, and said "e'd worry much like to 'ave the charnse." "Well, look here, old chap, just take this half.sovereign across to the police.station and ask Sergeant Sleople to oblige me with silver. You can deduct a shilling for your trou ble." John departed, chuckling. A few minutes afterwards he reo turned, almost breathless, and, much to Smartman's amazement, proceed. ed to count nine shillings in silver ini to his hand. "Er-what did the sergeant say, John?" he queried. "Oh, 'e looked at It a bit, an' then 'e sod 'o thought I'd better get It changed at your shop...
Some Clerical Stories. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
Some Clerical Stories. According to "Anecdotes of Pulpit and Parish," Canon Knox Little knew of a lych-gate in front of a church which was being restored, over the front of which was painted, "This is the Gate of Hleaven!" while under neath was a notice in large letters: "Go round the other way." There Is a story told by P. 11 Ditchfield of a London vicar who liked to have a hymn sung at family pray ers. In order to interest his servants he allowed thenm to choose the hymns. One day his wife complimented the cook on her selection. "What a nice hymn you chose!" "Yes, iounu," she replied; "it's the humnber of my per. liceman !' The ilishop of Peterborough, Dr. Mlagee, being plagued to go and open all sorts of things-churches, school bazaars, and so forth-exclaimed one day to the Bishop of Leicester: "Il-do believe very soon there will not be a young curate in the diocese who has bought a new umbrella who will not apply to the Bishop to comn and open it."
NEVER COUNT YOUR CHICKENS. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
NEVER COUNT YOUR CHICKENG, It was the boast of a mangaer of a big firm 'i town that during his term of ruling he had till then never been duped. One day, though, an ignorant-look' ing country yokel, seemingly the worse for liquor, whilst passing the shop, reeled. suddenly against one of the big panies of glass which made up the shop w'ndow, the action resulting in a broken pale., The manager, hear ing the noise, rushed out, and, seizing the yokel by the neck thrust him into the shop, where lhe was told he could not leave till he paid for the damago done. Nothing was found on him but I !.100-note, and this, lhe pleaded, be longed to his master. The manager, however, was relent less, and pricing the pane at ,£5, Ihe returned the yokel £95. The latter went on his way, and was seen no more, and the manager to this day is looking for someone to change his £100-note, which was a forged one.
DETECTIVE VERSUS CRIMINAL. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
DETECTIVE VERSUS CRIMINAL. "About the neatest way I was ever had," remarked a London ex-detectivo, "was in a great Paris forgery case in 1865. Two of my anticipated victims, a man and ita woman, came to iondoin, and took up their abode 1:1 a poor fti'e't oft the New ('ut. "Hlow to watch them without nsispi clon was rather a problem, for in that savory neighborhood detectives are not popular. At length I concluded to personate a couter, and so toolk up my position as a vendor of walnuts, at the corner of my friends' street, "One day an: entire stranger pulled up at my stail, and purchased soime nuts. I pocketed the halfcrown hie Sdered, counting out into his hand - and fourpence change. "No sooner had I finished thain iie o'claimed: 'This won't do!' And lie slammed the florin down on the stall. "It was not tie one I hat given hlnlm, but for all that I was marched off by a stolid policeman for ittering false coin, in spite of smy protestations. "Ily the time I waas released Isty parti...
THE INDOMITABLE SCOT. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
THE INDOMITABLE SCOT, A West Country Scot, who had en. gaged in the manufacture of a cer* tain description of goods then recent ly introduced into that part of the country, found it necessary, or con, lectured it mignt be profitable, to establish a permanent connection with some respectable house in London, With this design he packed up a quan, tity of goods, equipped himself for the journey, and departed, Upon his arrival he made diligent inquiry as to' those who were likely to prove his best customers, and accordingly pro. coeded to call upon one of the most opulent drapers, with whom lie re solved to establish a regular corre. ?~pondence. When Saunders entered the shop in question he found it crowded with customers, and the ealesmen all bustling about making ilCes, and displaying their wares to prospective purchasers, Saunders waited what he considered a reason able time; then in a lull of business laid down his pack, Isls bonnet, and etaff upon tne counter, and inquired fcr "the...
THORNBURY THEATRE. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
THORNBURY THEATRE. At the Thornbury theatre to-night a sensational photo play, "The Mysteri ous T'wo," will be screened, as well as a special picture, "Annie Laurie," accompanied by the singing of Madam Cavendish. On Wendesday the great humorous comedy, "The \Vandering Two," will be presented, and is described as the limit of magic humor, The star picture is "Guy Mannering," an adaptation of Sir Walter Scott's famous novel. The Thornbury orchestra will pIrovide musical secectone,
Only a Casual, After All. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
Only a Casual, After All. Dill Smith had worked at a certain firm for sixty years. So the two sons of the master thought that he had worked for them sufficiently long enough to be pen sioned off, and this they decided to do at once. So they called the old man into the ofllce, and told him that as he had worked for tI em faithfully and well all these years they had decided to pension him off, but that he could draw the same wage as he was then earning, The old man turned away, but he was very much troubled and puz zied about the matter, and the two sons could see that he hadn't taken it at all in the spirit in which they had given it, so they said: "Well, Mr. Smith, what's the mat tar? Don't you like it?" "No," replied the old man; "I al ways thought that this here place was a regular shop!"
FOOTBALL. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
FOOTBALL. The Northcote v. North Melbourne match-played at Croxton on Saturday last in the presence of a large attend ance of spectators-was well-contested up to the half-time interval, North cote's team was the same as the previous Saturday with one exception-Noble replacing Bassett. The game was fast and exciting from the outset, and honors were fairly even at the conclusion of the first quarter, the visitors having scored 2-4 to 2-2. Good football was shown by both sides during the ensuing term, Northcote holding their own well against the leading team. North had increased their lead to 7 points when the interval was reached, the board showing 4-9 to 4-2. North Melbourne, by more accur ate shooting, had the advantage in the third quarter, during which they added 5-3 to 2--5. Fairly even play was witnessed in the final term, North scor ing 4-4 to 2-3, Final result-North Melbourne, 13-16; Northcote, 8-10, Goal-kickers for Northcote-Goodall (2), Pannam (2), Johnson, Rahilly, Hall an...
AMUSING INCIDENTS. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
AMUSING INCIDENTS. The American papers ar'e publish. ing stories of Dr. Weir .Mitchell. 'ills in one of the best of t'em:- One day a patient came into his oflice and found him closIng a large bundle of letters. "All resignations from committees or boards," he said, gleefully, "I'm going to get off all them, I have told my wife that when f die I want her to put on my tomb. stone, 'Committeed to the grave'!" A man purchased some red flannel shirts guaranteed not to shrink. He reminded the salesman forcibly of Iho guarantee some weeks later. "Have you had any dlfihculty with them?" the latter asked, "No," replied the customer: 'only the other morynng, whenl I was dress. uIg, my wife said to me, 'John, where did you get that pink coral neck. lace?'" The motor car was, until recently, a thing unheard of in a certain part of ITrland. A peasant was very much astonished one day when he aaw one go by without any vislbla means of locomotion, His eyes bulged, how. ever, when a motor-cycle foll...
BASEBALL. A GRADE. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
BASEBALL. A GRADE. Northeote suffered defeat at the hands of Collingwood last Saturday by 16 to 4. The locals lost any chance of winning the game by allowing their opponents to score eleven runs in the first innings, poor infield work and erratic pitching causing their downfall. No errors were recorded against the outfield, and Gibaud performed well in the catcher's mask. The majority of the infield made errors, Robinson and Froebel being the worst offenders. Elliot did the bulk of the pitching, but was not in good form, while the batting was weak. Northcote play East Melbnurne at the park to-day, and are hopeful of repeat ing their victory in the first round.
The Milk of Human Unkindness. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
The Milk of Human Unkindness. The simple-hearted. Weary One and the crafty B'11 Sikes were support. Ing the walls of the works, their tins of untasted coffee in their hands. Bill's coffee looked like coal, while The Weary One had in his the added luxury of a small quantity of milk. Wherefore, as they say, did Dill covet the tin pf the Weary Qne, and did decide to exchange beverages, should an qpportunity occur. "Torkin' of pickpockets," said the Weary One, "I once 'eard of a chap wot could pinch a 'andkercher from a gent's sleeve," "Oh, that's nothin'!" laughed Wil. liam. "I knows a cove wot can take yer 'at from yer 'ead without yer knowing it," But the Weary One was incredulous, Just then he was called away by the foreman, and on his return he picked up the tin which he had trust ingly left with Bill and his incredulity vanished like lightning, "Well," he exclaimed, "bust me if this don't beat yer 'at trick, Bill, 'Ere's someone bin an' swiped the milk outer my coffeel"
C GRADE. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
C GRADE. Last Saturday Northcote maintained their position in the first four, when they easily defeated Hawthorn. Six runs in their second and third innings showed that Northcote had picked up some of their batting form. Thomson pitched well, In the infield Northcote played an errorless game. Vernon as sisted Richardson in several put outs at second, and Hayes fielded well, but the outfielders had several errors against them. Yeomans, 4 runs, batted best, and Thomson hit another home run. Northcote-0, 6, 6, 2, 1, 2-17. Hawthorn-1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1--2. To-day Northcote plays Richmond at Richmond, Preston played Williamstown on the latter's ground last Saturday, and the match resulted in a win for the locals, who played a for better gamne than Pres. ton. Blundell being absent Westmore laind took the pitcher's box, and did fairly well, Preston played their worst game for the season, failing in batting as well as in the field. Williamstown i scored 15 to 3, To-day's gamuie is aaidst Malver...
Grasping the Moral. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
Grasping the Moral. The street-corner orator had gather ed around him a group of urchins. Why they listened so attentively he didn't understand; nor probably did they know themselves, Simply noth. Ing doing, But the orator took full advantage of his opportunity, and delivered an improving lecture on the value of kindness to dumb animals, At the end he sought for some 11 lustration to point the moral and adorn the tale, It was there at hand. Across the way walked a lady, leading two little dogs in leash. The one was black and the other white. "Now," exclaimed the tub-thumper, "after what I have said, supposing those two dear little dogs were to start fighting, what would be the first thing you would do" No answer came at first; but one little arab turned to look at the dogs critically and thoughtfully. "Well, guv'nor," he answerel, at last, "I fink I'd 'ave tuppenco on the little black 'un!"
THE MIDDLE AGE. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
THE MIDDLE AGE, A few days ago t leanding now.s. :',per stated that women were at their eet betweoon the iges otf forly and !orly1fi1o, and the Idea is all Ithe more itntable because it emanl.t?.ltd fro m a i litll, It Is really not dillliult to reallse Inat the nlddihh.aged woman i: dlls iinctly charmingo . She htsa disrnmcepd that sht is not the all-tiplllranL fIac lr aIn life, Iowever dcilightful aim ;iay be, Young glrhi ane apt to over. plplreclate their attracilons. They are irclined to think that the world was crented for Ithir henefit, hut e.oxperl cleO teaches that Ithelr 'ii ll and. faa c'inations nre of valry Illll real iust when they enter upon the stern Ihatlte of life.o, A middleagoed womanl realises that too much awoolness relin A maon values a comlpanlion as well ni an ornlament, and shil knows Ihat it answersI her ipurlposeo to cllltivatn heor mind, so that h nimay apllrehiate her couversation Shi ! dots. not neglect her appearance. Shn is careful to dress suitably a...
Epicures. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
Epicures, 1IF. GreenCi's rad ish-budl 1 ad hwuu s verely attaclkd by slugs, and hip aoughit atdvIco tor tIhir ustterwiuatluu. A Doil~hhflI laid hun lu PIIVU m~ac itt bc tweun the rows at pltants. 'l)ld you do as I toli you?7 ttw nlighbor askld, un miuitling UrociuI .1 fow days later. "I should thInk I dId,' ho repldkdi. "I put the suit diown inn ueuvonliug, t t , bless my soul, whieii I gut uipu m xt niorning the slugs wo.iuu putting upI the is radi shs, dilling tholfln in Lthu salt. and outing the utillte cunLttoLldly I"
Same Bosses. [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
Same Bosses, Two frlonds who liehad not se?n eac other for several yeurs met again nuuxpectedly, as neighborls in a n:'., suburban place. "lullona, lllklns! WVliho are y worknug for now?" asked Sltukin, over the garden fence, "Same people," was the cheery au: swer. "A wife and live children." The old family physician being awn. on a much-needed holiday, his Jrai rice was entrusted to his son, a re'eol medical graduate. When (liel old meal returned, the youngster told hil among other things, that he had ciuret Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealth; spinster, of her chronic Indigestion. "My boy," said the old doctor, "I'I proud of you; but Miss Ferguson's in digestion is what put you through col lege." "Your mistress tells me, Jane, that ,ron wish to leave and become an at tendant at a lunatic asylum, of al liaces. Why, what experience hav" 'you had?" "Vell, sir, I've been hero thre, 8years8,'
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Preston Leader — 11 July 1914
WHATI Still not INSURED against FIRE! lie wise in timne rnl for ia unill outlay prevent the loss of HUNDREDS OF POUNDS'I ERNEST LEES 2U0 HIGH ST,, NOITIICOTE. Tel., Northcote 54. Agent for Gresham Insurance Co E. W. INGHAM Is successor to Mrs. McKinder at the well-known Ham and Beef Shop 517 HIGH ST., THORNBURIY. And will conduct the business on the same successful and popular lines. All Goods stocked will be the absolute Best, Scrupulous Care will be taken in regard to all Meats and Small Goods. HINT TO HOUSEWIVES: When the table is short of something tasty, something appetising, always remember F YOUR WATCIH DOES NOT KEEP TIME TAKE IT TO George H. Armfleld, 94 SMITHl STIIu,,T, COLIIN(oWO01) Satisfaction Guaranteed, SPECTACLES TO SUIT ALM, SIGHIIT Phone, Central 8185. la Announcements Miss K. Lee iW ISHES to intimate having com w menced business as a FRUITERER & GREENGROCER In New Shop, Corner HIGH & DALGETTY STS., PRESTON. Summer Drinks, Confectionery, Cigars, Ciga...