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A Double Application. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
A Double Application. "Well, sir!" exclaimed the million aire. "What do you want this morn ing?" "I've come again to ask for your daughter," said the poor, but ambi tious, young man. "Haven't I told you six times over on as many different days that it is out of the question? What do you mean by bothering me in this way? You are making a nuisance of your self!" "If I seem to be more persistent than circumstances warrant, I must insist that you, sir, are to blame." "I!" shouted the indignant old man. "I don't understand you." "There," said the man who loved his daughter, as he pointed to a motto over the banker's desk, "is my excuse for coming here day after day: ''ii at first you don't succeed,-try, try, try again.' Do you bedcvo in—thp.t sentiment, or have you put it up there simply to deceive people?" After he had scratched his head awhile the mean old plutocrat said: "Yes, I believe in that. 1 haven't succeeded yet in making y&lt; u under stand that my daughter shall not b...
Impartial. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
Impartial. "The clocks," said the bride, "are simply beautiful, and it was lovely of you to give them to us. But—you won't think me inquisitive?—may I ask why you gave us a pair of them? Of course, it was perfectly " "I gave you two of them," inter rupted the friend, "because I'm very fond of both yourself and your hus band, and if you ever get divorced you will each have something to remem ber me by."
Why Boys Leave the Farm. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
ave the Farm. We have a k-ltcr upon a very iiiiportaiit subject from a corrt-.s poiidtDi desribing himself &lt;is one of lie boys of the. farm, alibough he states he is now getting on for tKcty. The trouble is'about boys being'continucd (o lie treated as tetven after setting to be young lira, paiticularly as regards having logo their father for -^s to 10s every time they want" to goto the show, or other holiday occurrence, and submitting tlwt if ^"oukl be bettei lo te paid regular wages. The abject touched upon in this letter suggests a good deal as to tiie reason why the younger members aslliev groiv up feel like leaving the farm, ud "going away soiue jlieieto earn same money.'' Our young correspondent probably does tot give ue consideration to the I fact that the whole family are en gaged in a co-operative enterprise, •ndthat present privations wiil, iti feevei.tof success, be rewarded ^future gains: hut at the same te there are some grounds for the belief that the wages s...
LADIES' LETTER. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
LADIES' LETTER. I never remember blouses that are calculated to go to the heart of every woman who appreciates an elegance achieved by simple methods and with out any apparent effect than at the present moment. They are now such a very important item of every kind of costume that the qhoice is as varied as the numerous distinctly different classes of designs, all worthy of se parate consideration. From the simple shirt to the com plexity of the afternoon or demi-toil lette blouse of tulle is a l'ar cry. Com mencing at the bottom of the ladder, so to say, with the simple shirty, these in themselves provide food for deep reflection. It is the American women who look their best in the severest of tailor made shirts. I do not mean the wo man whose figure is at its best nor the pretty creature who can carry off all kinds of fashionable follies and modish madnesses, b.ut the natural, homely American, who knows how to put on her colthes. The plain untrimmed blouse is most essential for mor...
Then He Saw Red. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
Then He Saw Red. Editor—Why do you persist in com ing here? I tell you I want facts, not fiction. Authoress—Oh, I don't wish to sell any of my stories. I am writing a short serial, entitled "The Ugliest Man On Earth," and I came in mere ly to obtain local color. The fare at a certain boarding house was very poor. A boarder who had been there for some time, be cause he could not get away, was standing in the ball when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an old dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced tojiowl mournfully. The boarder watched him a little while, and then said— "What on earth are you howling for? 'You don't have to eat it!" A girl is put into the world, like sugar into tea, to sweeten it. Give tlie devil his due, but be care ful there's not much due to him. Nothing hurts a woman so much as when a man won't give her an op portunity to say "No." Popularity depends on how well you treat your frien'ds, and how often.
SAYINGS OF TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
SAYINGS OF TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY. Some people never get higher than a towering rage—Ashley Sterne The only thing most people ever achieve is old age.—Sam Stimson. They who never kick arc but too apt to become footballs.—J. Mitchell. There are lots of people we know not wisely, but too well.—Charles Leedy. It's easy to run into debt, but hard to crawl out even at a slow walk.— J. D. Rockfeller. Some girls celebrate the anniversary of their birth by taking a day off— the more popular idea, however, is to take a year off.—Nathan Levy. Men, like watches, are judged by their works.—F. Morton Howard. Anything that's worth doing at all is worth overdoing.—Keble Howard. You shock a good woman -if you make love to her, but you disappoint her if you don't.—Anon. The telescope is good for star gazing but most of us prefer a pair of opera glasses.—Charles Leedy. The only difference between wit and impudence lies in the size of the man uttering it.—Estelle Klauder. A Royal Commission is like a bl...
FROM VARIOUS SOURCES [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
FROM VARIOUS SOURCES Many folk seem to believe that ma trimonial ads, in the daily papers are either fakes or jokes. Some of them are not. A young gentleman, rising 50, and well worn at that, spent quite a number of half-crowns with Auck land papers without any beauteous young damsel laying her rank and fortune at his feet. So he got on to a "matrimonial agent." It seems al most incredible, but this agent ac tually found a sweet young thing of 49%, and arranged a wedding between them without either having seen tho other. Three days prior to the wed ding the giddy young flapper of 49*,i awaited her selected bridegroom in a boarding house. The bridegroom dressed himself with care and went along. The "agent" introduced them thus: Mr. , this is Miss , your fiancee! The far from beautiful young man took one glance at a simpering mummified face that might have been dug up in .ancient Egypt, and, without a word, grabbed his hat and departed. His ad. is still appearing at intervals. —N.Z. "...
More Like It. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
More Like It. "We had a corking time last night." "Judging from the noise you made when you came in I should say you had an uncorking time." Hubby: "You will never get the dog to mind you, my dear." Wife: "I shall, with patience. You were just as troublesome yourself at first." To many women a. man is but a mark on a slate, to be rubbed off and brought back at will. A man might just as well make up his mind to like being fooled by girls, because he's going to be. anyhow. Why do men who don't deserve it always get loved divinely?
Her Way of Telling Him. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
Hep Way of Telling Him. A young ploughman and his neigh bor servant lass were going home one night from the Dumfries Fair. When about a mile on the road he said to lier, "Jenny, I wad kiss ye, but I'm feart ye wadna let me." No answer. Another mile on the road he again said, "Jenny, I wad kiss ye, but I'm feart ye wadna let me," No answer. When they were getting near home, for the third time he said—"Jenny, I wad kiss ye, but I'm feart ye wadna let me." "Rab," said she, "dae ye min' yesterday I couldna lift yon bag of potatties intae .the cairt, au' ye lifted them?" "Ay," said Rab. "Well, dash ye, ye're far stronger than me!"
A Slight Mistake. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
A Slight Mistake. She was young and rather nervous, and when the precious baby was ill, she sent for the doctor hastily. When the servant told her he was down j stairs, she carried the baby into the ' drawing-room and interviewed a sol emn young man, to whom she related various interesting details of the child's ailments! He looked worried end finally exclaimed. "I don't know much about such things, madam, being unmarried. Wouldn't it be better to consult a doc tor?" "But, aren't you the doctor?" "No, madam, merely the piano tuner!"
RANDOLPH'S UNIVERSITY. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
RANDOLPH'S UNIVERSITY. Cawmill Carrmichael's proposition to establish a chair of journalism at Sydney University (writes Peter Persnurkus) recalls a tale of that ebul lient genius, Randolph Bedford. The thing happened in tho days when Bed ford still belonged to daily-press work. He went to a Sydney journal looking for a job—Bucephalus offering to pull an ice-waggon. This journal had .1 sort of fiction that it loked for Uni versity men to write its paragraphs about the Lord Mayor and the Drum moyne drainage. It was only fiction, but it was cherished. To this august place came Randolph, to see the gen eral manager. "What can you do?" the potentate asked. "Paragraphs, stories, articles, re ports," said Randolph. "Ah!" said the employer, not ill pleased. "And can you write short hand?" The superstition of those days was that you might be Jonathan Swift and Rudyard Kipling and Hilaire Belioc rolled together, but if you couldn't write shorthand there was no place for you there. "No," said...
Intention Only Credited. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
Intention Only Credited. A fashionably-dressed young man strolled into a small Scottish church while service was being held. The time for the collection came round, and, wishing to draw attention to him self, he flung his penny (as he thought) down on the plate with a crash. Immediately after so doing he discovered, to his great dismay, he had given half-a-crown in mistake. He at once got up and followed the old sexton, and asked to be allowed to get back his money. The old man shook his head and said—"Na, na; I canna gie it back to ye. Ye gied it to the Lord." The young man argued for some time, and at last gave it up and ex claimed impatiently—"Well, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na," replied the old man, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."
Sweetly Innocent. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
Sweetly Innocent. Mr. Sydney Buxton has some amus ing things to say in his recently pub lished "Book o£ Fishing Stories." "Why," he asks, "is it that day af ter day a single salmon, and one only, is caught? Is it that among so many fish covered by the fly there is in one pool one fish more active, more enterprising, more alert, and more intelligent than the rest? Or is this particular fish, so to speak, the village idiot?" Mr. Buxton tells a stoi'y of a fisher man who, after a successful four hours' tussle with a large salmon, came back in triumph and related the story to his aunt. Like all anglers he laid wearisome emphasis on the time occupied and the muscular ..ex penditure, "But, my dear Tom," the aunt, re marked at last, "why did you not cut the string and get rid of the brute?"
The Worm Turned. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
The Worm Turned. The other day Sir Gilbert Parker, M.P., referring to Lord Rosebery's re mark that "most books in a library ought to be burned," told of a lively exchange of compliments he once had with a publisher. Sir Gilbert had been pointing out chat in many cases, owing to the in ability of literary men to look after themselves, publishers made far more money out of books than their authors did. The publisher remarked that what Lord Rosebery should have said was that, "It was not most books, but most authors who should be burned." "That may be true," retorted Sir Gil'bert, "but judging from the pub lishers' share of the profits of the au thors' labors, most of the authors were too green to be burned!" ,
Followed Advice. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
Followed Advice. Iu a country neighborhood there was an old woman who kept a small general shop, where she carried on a lucrative business. Unfortunately, she persisted for a long time in car rying on her trade on Sunday, much to the scandal and disgust of a cer tain parish visitor, who entertained strictly orthodox views as to the ob servance of the Sabbath. The latter remonstrated with the shopkeeper, and eventually, much to the satisfaction of everybody con cerned, persuaded her to refrain from Sunday trading. A few days ago she met the old woman, who looked happy and prosperous. "I'm glad," said the parish visitor, "to see that you are doing so well. You have not lost anything by fol lowing my advice." "That's so, mum," was the reply; "but you can't imagine how many of my customers come round the back way!"
WEALTH FROM SAWDUST. Gas and Bread Made From It. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
WEALTH FROM SAWDUST. Gas and Bread Made From American and Canadian sawmills have discovered that the sawdust which they have been perplexed how to rid themselves of as a worthless encumbrance is worth at least £S per ton. In Baltimore a chemist has perfected a process of extracting gas from sawdust, adequate enough to supply a city like Ottawa with light and heat at 5d. per 1000ft. This is thought to portend that around the great sawmills, which have been emp tying their dust into the Ottawa River, a variety of new industries subsisting on it are likely to grow up. In Austria, where everything in the shape of fuel is being carefully search ed for, sawdust is impregnated with a mixture of tarry substances and heated to the proper temperature; it is then passed over a plate of iron heated by steam, from which a screw conveyor takes it to a press, where it is compressed into briquettes of the required size. The press turns out about nineteen every minute, weigh ing two-fifths of a poun...
Polite Melbourne. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
Polite Melbourne. It was at a public-house in Mel bourne, where an old lady asked for a quartern of gin in a bottle. "We have three kinds, ma'am," said onejof the grinning barmen. "We have oyxgen, hydrogen, and dry gin. Which will you take?" "Dry gin," replied the old lady se verely. When she was served she said: "I was not aware your master kept three asses before, but I notice that he does. "Where?" asked the surprised bar man. "Why. there," she said, pointing to the other two barmen. "There is Mr. Compass, Mr. Thomas,, and—let me se2, they call you 'Jack,' don't they?" "Yes," replied the barman. "Then," she said, as she politely bowed herself out, "good-night, Jack ass!" A dispute had long existed in a gentleman's family between the cook and tlie coachman, about bringing the cream from the farm for breakfast. Their master one morning called them both before him that he might hear what they had to say. The cook pleaded that the coach man was lounging about the kitchen the best par...
PATTERN OF BECOMING EVENING DRESS. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
PATTERN OF BECOMING EVENING DRESS. This simple little evening dress will appeal directly to the average wo man. It will look effective made up of soft silk and shadow lace. It re presents "Everyiady's Journal" pat tern No. 174—cut ' in three sizes— small, medium and large. This pat tern may be bought from local pat tern agent or*will be sent post free to any address if ninepence in stamps is sent to Dept. A, "Everyiady's Jour nal," 376 Swanston-street, Melbourne. State number of pattern and size re quired. If a penny stamp is sent to above address a 48-page catalogue will be sent to any reader who writes • send free catalogue." "There have been times in my life," said he gloomily, "when I was tempt ea to commit suicide." "Oh, well,'" she said, "it's no Use to grieve over the past. We can all look back and see where we've made mistakes."
KITCHEN WRINKLES. [Newspaper Article] — Rochester Express — 8 May 1914
KITCHEN WRINKLES. To prevent window-blind cords breaking, dusi. the cords, and then rub them over with a well-greased rag. The snapping is caused by friction, which impoverishes the cords, and •ley are further weakened by the siu, and weather. It is an excellent plan to keep in the kitchen a bottle filled with equal parts of linseed oil and lime-water, to alleviate the pain of burns. Shake the bottle well before using the io tian, and keep the burned parts from the air by covering with lint. The best way to test silic is to cut off a small piece and burn it. If it burns out quickly, leaving a clear, crisp, grey ash, the silk is pure; but if it smoulders and leaves a heavy reddish-brown ash it has 'been treated with chemicals, and will not wear well. A very good way to prevent a crack ed wash-hand basin from breaking is to paint along the crack with white paint; then place along it a piece of wide tape, the length of the crack. Paint well over this, and when dry it will be as firm as...