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Intention Only Credited. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
Intention Only Credited. A fashionably-dressed young man strolled into a small Scottish church while service was being held. The time for the collection came round, and, wishing to draw attention to him self, he flung his penny (as he thought) down on the plate with a crash. Immediately after so doing he discovered, to his great dismay, he had given half-a-crown in mistake. He at once got up and followed the old sexton, and asked to be allowed to get back his money. The old man shook his head and said—"Na, na; I canna gie it baok to ye. Ye gied It to the Lord." The young man argued for some time, and at last gave it up and ex claimed impatiently—"Well, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na," replied the old man, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."
Then He Saw RSed. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
Then He Saw Red. Editor—Why do you persist in com ing here? I tell you I want facts, not fiction. Authoress—Oh, X don't wish to sell any of my stories. I am writing a short serial, entitled "The Ugliest Man On Earth," and I came in mere ly to obtain local color. "The' •' fare ' at a 'certain 'boarding house was very poor. A boarder who had been there for some time, ' be cause he could not get away, was standing in the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an old' dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully. The boarder watched him a, little while, and then said— "What on earth are you howling for? You don't have to eat it!" A girl is put into the world, like sugar into tea, to sweeten it. Give the devli his due, but be care ful there's not much due to him. Nothing hurts a woman so much as when a man won't give her an op portunity to say "No." Popularity depends on how well you treat your friends, and how often. To many women a man is but a mark ...
One for the Butcher. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
One for the Butcher. A candidate at one of the recent by-elections was subjected to much in-., terruption by a butcher, who enjoyed considerable notoriety as a "heckler." The candidate bore the thing good bumoredly for a time, but at last lig_ gave his questioner a hint that he was taking up valuable time by ask ing silly questions. This so enraged tile butcher that he shouted out: "If I had the candidate in my sau sage machine I'd make mincemeat of lum." The candidate calmly retorted: "Is thy servant a dog that thou shouldst do this thing?" And nothing more was heard of the butcher.
Poetic Justice. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
Poetic Justice. ^XjttUe things can be very trying at times, especially when they happen to you. Mr. Fry thought something like this when, one wet morning, he could not find his umbrella. Like most •married men, he believed in the max im, "when in trouble blame your wife." "I say, Mary," he shouted, "what on earth has happened to my new um brella? I brought it home last u!k- V and now it's gone; and, of course, it's raining like mad!" "Why, it's hardly raining at all!" said Mary. "But last night it was simply pouring when the vicar left, and so I lent him your umbrella." "What a silly thing to do! I shall never see it again now, so I may as well buy another to-day!" "How can you be so wicked, Perci val? As if the vicar would stoop to stealing your umbrella!" "Stoop to stealing it be hanged! 1 borrowed it from him a couple of months ago!"
SAYINGS OP TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
SAYINGS OP TO-DAY AND YESTERDAY. Some people never get higher than a towering rage.—Ashley Sterne. The only thing most people ever achieve is old age.—Sam Stimson. They who never kick are but too apt to become footballs.—J. Mitchell. There are lots of people we know not wisely, but too well.—Charles Leedy. It's easy to run into debt, but hard to crawl out even at a slow walk.— J. D. Rockfeller. Some girls celebrate the anniversary of their birth by taking a day off— the more popular idea, however, is to take a year off.—Nathan Levy. Men, like watch'es, are iudged by their works.—F. Morton Howard. Anything that's worth doing at all is worth overdoing.—Keble Howard. You shock a good woman if you make love to her, but you disappoint her if you don't.—Anon. The telescope is good for star gazing but most of us prefer a pair of opera glasses.—Charles Leedy. - The only difference between wit and impudence lies in the size of the man uttering it.—Estelle Klauder. A Royal Commission is like ...
FROM VARIOUS SOURCES [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
FROM VARIOUS SOURCES Many folk seem to believe tliat ma trimonial ads. in the daily papers are either fakes or jokes. Some of them are not. ' A young gentleman, rising 60, and well worn at that, spent quite a number of half-crowns with Auck land papers without any beauteous young damsel laying her rank and fortune at his feet. So he got on to a "matrimonial agent." It seems al most incredible, but this agent ac tually found a sweet young thing of 49%, and arranged a wedding between them without either having seen the other. Three days prior to the wed ding the giddy young flapper of 49 ^ awaited her selected bridegroom in a boarding house. The bridegroom dressed himself ,with car« and went along. The "agent" introduced them thus: Mr. this is Miss , your .iancee! The far from beautiful young nan took one glance at a simpering mummified face that might have been dug up in ancient Egypt, and, without a word, grabbed his hat and departed. His ad. is still appearing at intervals. —N.Z. "...
A Slight Mistake. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
A Slight Mistake. She. was young and rather nervous, arid1 when the precious baby waB ill, I she sent for the; doctor hastily. When the servant told her he was down stairs, Bhe carried the baby into the drawing-room and interviewed a sol emn young man, to whom she related various interesting details of the child's ailments! He looked worried and finally exclaimed. "I don't know much about such things, madam, being unmarried. Wouldn't it be better to consult a doc tor?" "But, aren't you the doctor?" , "No, madam, merely the piano tuner!"
What Is Work. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
What Is Work. "You are advertising for a chauf feur, I see, Mrs. De Payste?" "Yes; we had to let William go last week." "I thought you wej-e well pleased with him?" "At first we were, but a new broom sweeps clean, you know, and we found that William got lazy. He was fine -at washing the windows, doing the garden, mowing the lawn, tending the fires, running errands, pressing clothes, sweeping the walks, polish ing the floors, oiling the furniture, preparing the vegetables, waiting at table, and washing the dishes. But he was lazy. He used to go to sleep at midnight regularly, no matter where he was. Many • time Mr. De Payste has left the club for home at two o'clock In the morning and found William snoring in the car outside. Imagine how it must have looked to our friends to see our chauffeur asleep iu the street!" Dennys, Lascelles Ltd., in conjunc tion with Mr. H. E. B. Armstrong, re port the sale for the trustees of the late P. W. Armytage, of the "Wooloo manata" Estate, near Lara...
RANDOLPH'S UNIVERSITY. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
RANDOLPH'S UNIVERSITY. Cawmill Carrmichael's proposition to establiali a chair of journalism at Sydney University (writes Peter Persnurkus) recalls a tale of that ebul lient genius, Randolph Bedford. The thing happened in the days when Bed ford still belonged to daily-press work. He went to a Sydney journal looking for a job—Bucephalus offering to pull an ice-waggon. This journal had a sort of fiction that it loked for Uni versity men to write its paragraphs about the Lord Mayor and the Drum moyne drainage. It was only fiction, but it was cherished. To this august place came Randolph, to see the gen era] manager. "What can you do?" the potentate asked. "Paragraphs, stories, articles, re ports," said Randolph. "Ah!" said the employer, not ill pleased. "And can you write short hand?" The superstition of those days was that you might be Jonathan Swift and Rudyard Kipling and Hilaire Belloc rolled together, but if you couldn't write shorthand there was no place for you there. "No," said...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
SKINS, WOOL, HIDES, TALLOW, ETC. Send direct to— Wm. Haughton and Co. STORES: ?/8-282 SPENCER STREET MELBOURNE. Save commission and get Highest Prices and Prompt Returns. AQENT8, FISONS' SHEEP DIP. ";=wfNDMILLS"^ Alston's New Gearless Is the SIMPLEST WINDMILL MOTION ever invented NO ATTENTION Ball Bearings Throughout All Moving Parts enclosed in Dust proof Case, and Run in Oil Over 50,000 "ALSTON" Mills In use R GQUIRED Expert adi Ice &lt;fi Catalogues Free on application \ ames Alston & w Ij ^aQueen's Bridge, MELBOURNEt Manufacturer VIURDOCK'S LIQUID FOOD You can well understand, /ith my success with my two Babies In the past, why I use your LIQUID FOOD with my beautiful Four, and who have never had a sick day." Iff USE AT TflE HOMOEOPATHIC HOSPITAL, IflEItBODRflE. OBTAINABLE AT ALL CHEMISTS WHOLESALE FROM DUERDIN and SAINSBURY, FELTON, GRIMWADE and CO., ROCKE, TOMPSITT, and CO., MELBOURNE. WRITE POlt BOOKLET. Essentially THE Motor Car for the Country. Tha Only Oap ...
MELBOURNE LETTER. POLITICAL MAKE-BELIEVE. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
MELBOURNE LETTER. [by our ppeciai. oobbespondent.] Political Makf.-Bkukve. Popular intoretft in b\'vUuul politics i^ almost wholly luckiufj; and, evon whore it is temporarily excitod by soma unto ward event, it diua away in decision. Thoro was never any sincerity in the Cousuro Motion- It ends as it began, void of all purpose or result—save xu so fur as it has dipped deep into the national purso and postponed consideration of the great questions for the handling of which members wore assembled mid handsomely paid. Except on rare occasions, 1110111 bors addressed themaelvos to empty benchos: to " Mr. Speaker and the tapostry." Remotel}', no doubt, all this mtiko-beliove may boivo ta deepen the popular scorn of the Party system, as well as to invite a little serious intro spection upon the type of persons that " enlightened" Democracy suffers to run riot in Parliament in the ceaseless tyranny of twaddle. BUtoruuas and levity, mor dant wit and biting Batire, vulgarity and ^ross pot'sou...
APPOINTMENTS FOR NEXT SUNDAY. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
Api'ointmunts fok Next Sunday. Pro9byterian.—Tulgaruo, 11 ; Spring tlulo, 3. — Mr. Thomas. Tallaugutta, 7.80.—Mr. Pulmoar., Methodist—Tallaii'gatto, 11 a.m.—Mr. ICoiiHoiiy. -.Tuliuu^atta, 7.30. — Mr.' OK Bolisim. 'i'allundnojl, 11; Eskdale, 3; Mitta Mitta, 7.30. — Mr. 0. Duiiataii. (Stoukyard, Monday, 7.30 ; Little Snowy Cieok, Tuesday, 7.30.) Auglionti. — Wyeohoo, 11; Valley, 3; I'ullangatta, 7.30.—Rov. P. Taoon. Buman Catholic. —Mass at Tallaiigatta on Sunday uoxt. 11 a.tn.—Dr. Flyuu.
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
Hicsrwa Couon.—11 For about two yours ray^eon Erio hud u nasty hacking cough," says Mr. Albert W\.Col«man, " Carambu," Mouaur-Ht., Dulwiuh Hill, N.S.W. "Then I gavo hirii Chamberlain's Cough Remedy, and, after a £ew..d»se*,..I. jwtiuud. ho Jiud greatly improved. Before we hud j^ivjn him tho wMo bottle, bis cough had C'm.>Ietoly disappeared. Ho is now fltrong o».d, well, gaining weight daily.1' —Sold everywhere.. (Tonnnonwealtb^^feBank of Eustralfa: HEAD OFFICE SYDNEY This Bank U open for all classes of GENERAL BAfJKIWQ BUSINESS at EQUITABLE BUILDING, COLLINS STREET, MELBOURNE Also at .Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, Porth, HolmtL, Uridbane, Rockhampton, TownsviUe, and London. ^ Cable remittances made to, and drafts drawn on foreign plaoai direct. Foreign bill* negotiated and-, collected. Letters of credit issued to any part of the world. Bills negotiated or forwarded for collection. Banking and Exchange Business of every description transacted within tho Common-. we.ilth, United King...
MITTA MITT A POLICE COURT. TUESDAY, 5TH MAY, 1914. Before Mr. A. A. Kelley, P.M., and Messrs. A. Moncrieff and W. J. Thomson, J.P's. DISTURBING CHURCH WORSHIP. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
MITTA MITT A POLICE COURT. Tuksday, 5th May, 1914. Boforo Mr. A. A. Kolloy, P.M., and Messrs. A. Monorieff and VV. J. TIiomisom, J.P'b. DISTURBING ciiuncn YT0USU1P. Police v. Patrick LaFuntaine: insulting behavior in a public placo, to wit, the Pres byterian Church, Mitta Mitta, ou 1st March. —Defendant pleaded not guilty, and callod throe witnesses, but was convicted and fined £3, in default 14 days' imprisouuipnt, with 5/ costs. Polico v. Patrick LaFontaine: offensive behavior in a public place, to wit, the }rard of the Catholic Church, at Mitta Mitta, on 4th March, when divine service was being publicly hold.—Defendant pleaded guilty, and was fined £3,. in default 14 days' im prisonment". Police v. Patrick LnFontaine: uainp pro fane language in a public placo, to wit. tho yard of tho Catholic Church, at Milta Mitta, on 1th March.—Case withdrawu by police. Police v. John Courtney, juu.: offensive behavior in a public placo, to wit, tho yard of the Catholic Church, at Mitta Mitta, ...
LADS FOR THE FARMS. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
LADS FOR THE FARMS. By the S.S. " Indrapura," which is ex pected to roach Melbourne on 27th May, another party of 500 lads, who will be available for work on farms or stations or in other suitable country employment, arc coming- to Victoria from Great Britain ; and farmers desirous of obtaining their services aro requested to make early application to tlin Immigration and Labor Bureau, 555 Flinders-stveot, Melbourne. Over 400 of these lads arrived during* the month of April, and their services were quickly availed of Ify farmers, mauy of whom have since communicated with the Immigration Department, expressing satis faction with the lads. Extracts from about JjO letters from farmers received at the Immigration Bureau in the coarse of two or three days havo beea forwarded to this office, and thoy afford very clear indtcatipn that on the whole tho lads aro proving to bo of a' very doriirahlo stamp. 'Their ages run from 1G to 20 yqara, and, though mostly without experieuco in farm work,...
The Etiquette Book. [Newspaper Article] — Upper Murray and Mitta Herald — 14 May 1914
The Etiquette Book. "Madam," he began, as the door opened, "I am selling a new book on 'Etiquette and Deportment.'" "Oh, you are," she responded. "Go down there ,011 the grass and clean the mud ol'f your feet!" * "Yes'm. As I was saying, ma'am, I am sel " "Take of your hat. Never address a strange lady at her door without re moving your hat! "Yes'm. Now, then, as I was say ing " "Take your hands out of your poc kets! No gentleman ever carries his hands there." "Yes'm. Now, ma'am, this work on 'Eti '" "Throw away your pipe. If a gen tleman uses tobacco he is careful not to disgust others by the habit." "Yes'm. Now, ma'am, in calling your attention to this valuable " "Wait! Put that dirty handkerchief out of sight, and use less grease on your hair in the future. Now yon look a bit decent. You have a book on 'Etiquette and Deportment.' Very well. I don't want it. I am only the servant-girl. Go up the steps to the front door, and talk with the lady of the house. She called me a down rig...