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Humorous Column. HE CURED THEM. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Humorous Column. j HE CURED THEM. &nbsp; Several men who attended a certain public-house made a prac- tice of looking into the oven, and if there was anything cooking, to take it out and eat it before the landlord came in for it. This was not very agreeable, and the landlord determined to put a stop to it. He had got a very old cat, so he had it shot and skinned and put in the oven to stew. At night the men went in as usual and looked in the oven. They saw the stew-jar and took it out, and soon put away what they con- cluded was hare. They were just congratulating themselves on their nice supper wnen the landlord came in with a skin in his hand. ! ' Good evening, gentlemen,' said I he. I have come to show you my &nbsp; poor cat's skin ; he was shot yes- terday, and I skinned him to have something to remember him by. Is it not a beauty ? I put his remains in the oven to stew up for grease' The men looked at each other, but never spoke, for each knew he had had a piece...
Teacup Philosophy. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Teacup Philosophy. | Never hit a man when he's got you down. &nbsp; &nbsp; It sometimes curls a bachelor to &nbsp; bridal him. &nbsp; &nbsp; The honey-dealer ïs on a bee-line to prosperity. &nbsp; &nbsp; The wise bill-poster knows his &nbsp; place and sticks to it. Never sit on a red-hot grid-iron, &nbsp; for it is injurious loathe health. &nbsp; A gratuitous falsehood naturally &nbsp; gives itself away. &nbsp; &nbsp; When we get wise enough to live &nbsp; it is time for. us to díe. - &nbsp; Tailors say that lard cash makes &nbsp; the best lining for packets. &nbsp; Make one person happy every &nbsp; day, even if it is on|y yourself. &nbsp; The comely lass is responsible &nbsp; for many a lacerated heart. &nbsp; Man is compelled to work for &nbsp; what some other animals get free, &nbsp; There is no qu...
WHY IT WOULD NOT RUN. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
WHY IT WOULD NOT RUN. &nbsp; A teacher in a well-known school tells of a laughable experience he had recently. He had charge of a lot of boys, &nbsp; and was trying to make them under- stand that all good came from one source. As an illustration, he told them of building a house, putting &nbsp; water-pipes in with taps, and those &nbsp; pipes not being connected with the &nbsp; main in the street, and he said to &nbsp; them : ' Suppose I turn on that tap, and no water comes, what is the matter?' He naturally thought some of the boys would say that it was off at the main. On the contrary, one boy at the back called out : ' Because you hadn't paid, the water-rates !' &nbsp;
HOW HE KNEW. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
&nbsp; &nbsp; HOW HE KNEW. &nbsp; An old soldier, who had been ill a long time, fell into a state of coma recently, and was declared to be dead. The night preceding the day fixed for his burial he re- &nbsp; gained conscionsness, and scrambled &nbsp; out of his coffin. Attendants rushed &nbsp; in, and stimulants were applied, &nbsp; &nbsp; and the supposed dead man soon &nbsp; &nbsp; recovered. He assured his hearers &nbsp; &nbsp; that when he began to recover &nbsp; &nbsp; consciousness he knew that he was &nbsp; &nbsp; not dead because his feet were &nbsp; cold and he was hungry. ' I don't understand what you mean,' said a bystander. ' Well,' replied the soldier, ' I knew if I were in Heaven I should not be hungry, and if I were in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold.'
WHERE NOTHING WOULD GROW. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
&nbsp; WHERE NOTHING WOULD GROW. &nbsp; &nbsp; A schoolmistress was one day giving a geography lesson to a little boy who was not able to understand the meaning of a desert. To make it plain, she told him that a desert was a place where nothing would grow, When this explanation was given, &nbsp; &nbsp; the boy's face brightened, and the &nbsp; governess now thought he under- &nbsp; stood the definition of a desert . So she asked him .the following &nbsp; question : &nbsp; ' What is a desert ?' Johnny replied, ' Papa's bald head! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;
A FAIR FRIGHT. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
&nbsp; A FAIR FRIGHT. &nbsp; Mrs. Timid (shaking her husband &nbsp; in bed) * 'Jo-John, there are bur- burglars in the house !' &nbsp; Mr. Timid (starting up) : ' Did &nbsp; you say bur-burglars ?' &nbsp; Mrs. Timid : ' Yes. I-I can hear them cree-creeping up stairs ! They-they'll be in the roo-room &nbsp; in a minute ! Ob, wha-what shall &nbsp; we do ?' &nbsp; Mr Timid (with chattering teeth): &nbsp; ' Do-do ? Why-why, let's get un- &nbsp; under the bed. It'll give 'em a &nbsp; fair fr-fright not to find an-any one.'
General Information. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
General Information. Paris's 1900 exhibition will be the sixteenth held in that city. In Westminster Abbey, 1,173 per- sons have been buried. Christmas cards first came into fashion in 1846. Theatrical companies in Mexico must play everything they adver- tise or pay a fine. As far as calculation can decide, the temperature of comets is be- lieved to be two thousand times fiercier than that of red-hot iron. Strange bed-warmers are used by Chilian women. In cold weather, when in bed, they keep their feet warm by placing them on a dog. A feature of ' society journalism ' in Kansas is the publication, along with a list of wedding presents, of a list of young men who have been refused by the bride. A rare and beautiful sight was recently witnessed at Mount Vesuvius during a snow-storm. The volcano was in eruption, and three streams of red-hut lava were seen sprouting through the snow. It is said that in the sandy deserts of Arabia whirling winds some- times excavate pits two hundred feet...
Short Story. A London Love Story. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Short Story. A London Love Story. By J. M. BARRIE, In the "Woman At Home." Helen and I had a bet of a hat the other day, and she won. At that time I thought, from looking at them, that the price of ladies' hats could not run to more than five shillings ; but this is a complete mistake. The cost of ladies' hats varies according to what is not on them ; that is to say, half-a-sove- reign extra is charged for taking out the feather, and a guinea extra for tak- ing out what a man would call a hat, and leaving only a bow of ribbon. As almost nothing is the fashion just now, hats are unusually dear this season. To pay for a lady's hat, however, is, after all, a small matter. The difficulty is to go into a shop in cold blood and buy one. That was what I had to do, according to the conditions of the bet, and I was allowed to take no one with &nbsp; me. Helen said that if I could not pick out a hat that would suit her it was plain I did not really love her ; and she coldly stared whe...
Checkmated. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Checkmated. " Now, sir, I hope we shall have no &nbsp; &nbsp; difficulty in getting- you to speak up," &nbsp; said the barrister in a loud, commanding: &nbsp; voice. &nbsp; " I hope not, sir," shouted the witness, at the top of his lungs. " How dare you speak to me in that way ?" cried the lawyer. " Because I can't speak no louder, sir," said the hostler. " Have you been drinking ?" " Yes, sir." " So I should infer from your conduct. What have you been drinking ?" " Coffee," hoarsely vociferated the knight of the stable. " Something stronger than coffee, sir. Don't look at me like that-look at the jury, slr ! Did you have something in &nbsp; your coffee, sir ?" " Yes, sir." " What was it ?" &nbsp; " Sugar." " This man is no fool, my lord-he is &nbsp; worse," stormed the counsel. &nbsp; " Now, sir," turning to the witness. &nbsp; " look at me. What beside sugar did &nbsp; you take in your coffee t...
A Cure for Colic. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
A Cnre for Colic. The porter of a sleeping car on the Scotch express aroused half a dozen of &nbsp; the male sleepers to ask if they had any- thing to cure a case of colic. A com- mercial for a city hardware howse fumbled around in his coat, and finally said: "Here's a box of soda mints, which may help him. He can use the whole box. and be hanged to him, for he's no business to have colic." &nbsp; Nothing further was heard of the case until morninp, when a strapping young man, with a Far-West look in his hair, came into the sleepers with the mint box in his hand, and, inquiring from the commercial, said: "Took 'em all but one, and they smash &nbsp; ed my colic right in the eye. How much &nbsp; to you pay?" "Nothing, sir; I'm only too glad to have &nbsp; been of service to you." When the other had gone he opened &nbsp; the box, and we saw his hair trying- to climb up. Great Scot! but what do you think?" &nbsp; he gasped. "What i...
The Sketcher. The Missionaries' Lot. Accusations Made Against Them. TOKYO, Japan, 27th July, 1895. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
The Sketcher, The Missionaries' Lot. Accusations Hade Against Them. TOKYO, Japan, 27th July, 1895. I have a letter from a gentleman in Hartford, Conn,, requesting me to give some inquiry to missionary work in Japan and write my opinion thereon. I only say that the missionary has my sympathy. From the time he hands his half-rate steamship ticket to the con- tumelious purser in San Francisco to the &nbsp; day he returns to the people who send him abroad to tell of his hardships his lot is not a happy one. The people on the steamer regard him as a nuisance, the people whom he seeks to rescue fre- quently despise him and deride him, and the men of the United States warships sent to protect him actually hate him. When he is assaulted and mobbed, after the manner of the prophets of old, the heathen of the strange lands, as well as his own, seem delighted. This is largely due to the fact that too often poorly equipped, tactless, and bigoted men, who attend too severely to the busin...
Spray. Rhodes and Goats. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Spray. &nbsp; Rhodes and Goats. When Mr. Rhodes was last on this side of the Equator his visit to the Sultan of Turkey gave rise to a good deal of talk, and many over-shrewd guesses as to what he "had up his sleeve." The other day it leaked out in the Cape House of Assembly why the vi6it was paid. It concerned not the fate of Em- pires or of continents, but of Angora goats. On the plains of Asia Minor is the best Angora blood in the world, kept there by the Sultan's strict embargo. But the price of mohair has of late sug- gested interested possibilities, and at the Cape, where the lonely Karoo affords sheep pasture on what seems a barren wilderness, all men are not so sleepy as the Scythian boor or his Dutch name- sake. Suffice it that Mr. Rhodes suc- ceeded in persuading the Sultan to let the Cape have 500 of the coveted goats for a round sum of £1000.
Gladstone's Hands. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Gladstone's Hands. J A lady ehirologist describes in the " Palmist" her impression of Mr. Glad- stone's hands, gained from half-an hour's close observation of them, whilst his luggage was being transferred from the Tantallon Castle to the special train at Tilbury. " He was part of the time in animated conversation, so that I saw the wonderful gestures and the immense &nbsp; power and individuality of the Jupiter finger. That Jupiter finger is short, but very heavy. But what seemed to me most remarkable was the very long Apollo finger, not half-a-nail's length shorter than the Saturn, and the Mer- cury, very pointed, the same length from the tip of the Apollo, so that the Mercury was really only a nail's length shorter than Saturn. The nails of both hands were very bright and pale in colour, and the hands very white. I could not, of course, see lines or mounts, excepting Luna, which was very large from the percussion." Will some one kindly translate ?
A Heavy Smoker. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
A Heavy Smoker. &nbsp; &nbsp; A remarkable statement, which only smokers will appreciate, was made at an inquest in Bethnal-green. The husband of the deceased woman declared that she would get through an ounce and a-half of tobacco every day of her life. If the estimate was correct, she must have worked at her pipe pretty well from the time she got up in the morning till she went to bed at night. There is nothing in al small way about which there is more exaggeration than smoking. It is com- mon enough to be told of men who polish off ten cigars or twenty pipes in the day. Ten cigars at half-an-hour each means five hours' solid labour ; twenty pipes at, say, twenty minutes comes to nearly seven hours. "The thing is only possible for people with nothing to do, or with those-including " littery gents" and billiard-markers-who can combine work and pleasure.
Cycling Poetry. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Cycling Poetry. &nbsp; &nbsp; An Italian cycling paper, " La Bici- cletta," believes it has found the first poetical reference to cycling in a little eight-line piecs, " Le Velocipede" by Theodore de Banville, comprised, with other short compositions, under the head- ing "Triolets." in that writer's volume called " Occidentales." In this poem, which is dated July, 1868. De Banville has not been over-complimentary to the cyclist, to whom he sarcastically alludes as a new animal for Buffon-" half wheel, half brain." Where, we wonder, In English poetry, Is cycling first men- tioned ?
Incense in the Church. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
Incense in the Church. &nbsp; Love of incense seems to be spread- ing among Ritualists in the Church of England. A few weeks ago a philan- thropist intimated his intention of pre- senting four or five thuribles to clergy- men willing to use them. So many ap- plications were forthcoming from differ- ent parts pf the country that many of them had to be refused, and the number of thuribles, with their accompanying spoons, was increased to eight, which are now doing duty in the various churches to which they had been sent. It is to be hoped (remarks the " Tele- graph") that the persons who carry them will escape the fate of the thurlfers whom an anti-ritualistic Church news- paper reporter described as "swinging from a beam in the roof."
A Good Epitaph. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
A Good Epitaph. &nbsp; A correspondent of one of the Church papers says :-It was sad enough to hear of the Church's full rites being accorded to a professed agnostic, but what are we to think of the following epitaph to his memory being suffered in a Christian burial place : And if there be no meeting past the grave. If all is darkness, silence, yet 'tis rest : Be not afraid, ye waiting hearts that weep. For God still giveth His beloved sleep. And if an endless sleep He wills-so best Well. If we ("St. James's Gazette") are &nbsp; asked, we should say that it is not often that lines so fine, so appropriate, and so true, are to be seen in a Christian, or any other burial place. Who wrote them ? (The lines have been attributed to Mrs. Huxley, and are said to be on the tomb of the late Professor Huxley.)
A Tall Story. [Newspaper Article] — Hawkesbury Advocate — 13 October 1899
A Tall Story. The following dog story is tall, we admit but a correspondent whose veracity we have no reason to doubt declares of his personal knowledge that it is true :-In a quiet Hertfordshire village, a certain gentleman who owns a dog did not rise at the usual time last Sunday morning, and Laddie, a pretty sable collie, who has the run of the house, entered his master's bedroom with a volume of " Moody's Discourses." which he solemnly laid upon the bed. Trotting off again, he returned almost immediately with a Bible, which he also deposited on the bed. and having thus provided for the spiritual welfare of his master, he again pattered off to the ad- joining room, from whence he procured a Church Service, which he presented to his mistress, who was preparing break- fast In the kitchen below. " Ha," cried the bold navigator. " Bring me a glass." He scanned the horizon eagerly. " Another glass. Ha !" After the second glass he had no trouble whatever in discerning the out- line of ...