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Interrupted by a Stranger. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 7 May 1887
Interrupted by a Stranger. Years ago a certain lawyer was a candi late for Parliament, and in making a public speech remarked :-" Gentlemen, the office 8f Chief Justice has been pursuing me for years." Instantly a stranger in the crowd was on his feet asking to be allowed a question. The candidate declined to be in terrupted. " All right," said the man with a shrug ; if you won't answer a question fdr one, these folks ain't.going to vote' for you, that's cer tain." "Well, go on then, and ask your ques tion," replied the lawyer snappishly. The stranger arose. " You say," he ob served, "that the office. of Chief Justice has been pursuing you for years ? "Yes, sir." "Well, sir," said the man solemnly, " all I've got to say is that you are gaining on it !" As thle office has not yet overtaken the lawyer it is presumed that he continued to gain on it.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 7 May 1887
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. FAwRn writes :-" I have been digging for water to the depth of fourteen or fifteen feet, and don't seem to get along well !" We are sorry, Farmer; if you dig on to the depth of one hundred feetyon will get a long well. LrTTLE Krrry loves a blonde young man who parts his hair in the middle and dresses-oh ! so nice ! He earns .thirty shillings as clerk at a pie shop, and wants to marry her. Should she ac cept himi ? Now Kitty, what do you take us for? Doyou imagine we are amatrimonial agency, or an encyclopdaia of domestic recipes? : We shink from advising you in this matter. As a rule, fair young.inen who part their hair in the middle can't chop wood better than a drunken washer-woman, and they lie abed very late of mornings, and hate to spend money on' their wives' bonnets? But don't let that influence you. JANE ANNa.-No we do not know how to make mince-pies. Perhaps, when this paper has been running one hundred and ten years, young women will awake to the...
From Sydney to New York: OVER THE RIO GRANDE AND BURLINGTON. (Continued.) THE SIGHTS OF HAWAII. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
From Sydney to New York : OVEB THE' RIO GRANDE AND BURLINGTON. By E. W., MooN of the New York Mirror. (Continued.) THE SIGHTS OF HAWAII. Of course the first place suggested to us for a visit is the Pall, at the top of Nuana Val ley, and we hired a carriage, and, armed with a good-sized lunch-hamper, and plenty of field glasses, as advised by Chas. W. Stoddart in his excellent guide to Hawaii, we felt in 1 proper condition to enjoy the trip. The road lies through shady avenues be tween residences that stand in the midst of beautiful gardens; and driving down Nuanu Avenue, then past the cemeteries where the bones of the Kamehamehas lie, I w e:- we see the summer palace of the late Queen 'Emma, and, so on, , e get out of thetown and ascend that green valley with its coal rivulets 1 S till we reach the top. Mr. Stoddart very aptly remarks: " For a time we are silent. I don't S.believe people ever talk much here. In the. first place, if you open your mouth too wide. you can't shut it aga...
Wit and Humor [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
We love justice greatly and just men brit little. The latest malady is tea-liriumtremenes. Speculationsare usually followed ,by pec ulatiotins,. u- bisitess firm is not alays known-by the.." Co." it keeps. Since dudes hean to wear corP?d ? girl have `a good many strings to their beaux. : If.a man gets- up when: the day breaks, i can he be said. to have a whole day before him? Grapes blush in the -warm sunlight, at thought of the drunkenness 'their sweets in winewill-bring. i"It is hard; for a rich man to, die," says "a philosopher. Yes, out it is slightly ,harder for a poor man to live. ...... Little Girl-'" Please, mum, pa's got a c lhill, an' he wants to know if he can come over and shake yer carpets." wh A::: eatitude is not very happy when'the Ibee attitude happens to be on'your hand: with the sting ready for business. ' : . Now that Michael Davitt is,a benedict it would be interesting to know "if he is :as warm an advocate of Home Rule as formerly?:'; "What a polite man Mr. Gee...
ALL SORTS OF ITEMS. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
A L'ahap.r:tl l ?, o I3-^ li, L, . :.' oo a 1 1 * i I" sird y-l, r 6of ile rr e-vhari ni i.. *;; d h*^dy I4 a·- n i ' ii ' : ii'' Pi e ht ~r' I l g fh ' L satu jil ugr itt I 1- n 1 VOIT *nl i 'a; hi 'T ' ".Ilt uti i "', r c ti " 1 a' I p .:' i -:.1: : :'f 4 H *e i'i lp ?l: ., .1* tj i ;" t ',' . i, 4 i'ii 'i t iii . . .... f -f- .,'-' f-:,,; , v ;'; ! V. :M .l',4 l *s e - ,-t 1 v ] , :u" .' r ;!:lmicel . ti i's? now rei.ortd teb.i etlie i p t ites L eth.te ManC.dliesI cainful p.oie tn le-itate on,- niwaflg & Io;.'g- ': Melbourne'. ei:inorlr:e:t h '-rit e'e' cut fout for a n il in your- a'v' ioff ..-,1111- >, pntifiesw? .1-1 O ioi i f ea .wPirhkh F aiatail wonien.used to o-encr ? aget.t.lir?rhumbands,-to go-frth to! battle T: : ewer'! 'restores health itt viori cies D S.pesik!Impten: e Scxulle"' D bili" t t,..,heniists and drulggists. F'eltn, "Gimwae :. , '.ha iost. s ' "n th~: wia i if 1orldi -Asa Ftrencihiin i a psllsion trVil to 7T';i.tf ragein En?l By'gai, y Sl'call''m...
GEELONG COURTS. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
SGEELONG- 0 IJT.O Police court.-- 'l40 a ;?idaily i Supreme Cdourt (cruimitil ifttiaf s y)a'v,. 18th, Seteiber24th iDecember 4tthe' General Sessions; Court.f.-2nd Auagast, 1 h.'I !l oNw ember.. 0*': . . :. o, ;: County.. Go(iirtsuand 'Tnsol veuc;.Courts., ., S Wednesday, 8il' Jane,; Tuesday' i.Yj Si 2ndAuust Tuesday4th' Odtbbe. S, .: Tuesday 6th DPpcibei. f,' -".':i?.:
How Did He Know. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
How Did .i Know. . Two public men of Adelaide were having an argument on the relative merits of Pro tection and Free -Trade, -in a club room the,'., other day. - A number' of mutual friends stood round listening. " Gentlemen,' said one, ".l'Ir S'- .him self, while he preaches advocacy of home industry, has a carriage at .home, whichl he got in England-had it shipped across the ocean to him.- -How s. that for supporting home industry an labour ?~ S made a great show of embarrass' ment, stanimered, and' began slowly - .Well, gentlemen, you have heard what my friend - Mr.- B ? has to .say of my carriage. I plead guilty: to the charges, and have.only two things to say in my de fenice. The first is that the carriage came to me from-an English ancestor as an heir :loom; and I had to take it. Again, I have noiituseddit for seven years, and it 'has been standing in my back-yard all that time, and the chickens have converted it into a roost - Now, gentlemen," with a steady look, at B- , "I h...
Facetiæ. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
Sk Faceti. A' black tracker-a leaky tar cart. A prime minister-A truly Christian one, Sunday trading-Offering a prayer for a crown. " Truth crushed to earth will rise again I so will a wire bustle. A glove contest--trying to squeeze a .No. 5 hand into a pair of No. 3 kids. Mr. and Mrs. Pea have lately been di. vorced at Ohio, (U.S.)-Split peas. Two heads ought to be better than one Four lips are certainly better than two. - Lemonade is a temperance drink, but if you indulge too freely it will make you tight. A man who fell off a house the other day was insulted by being told to take Ayre's pills (higher spills). A Wellington (N.Z.) man drank an oier dose of chlorodyne to cure his cold, and immediately took to coMa Our English ancestors must have been tough customers, as a suit of iron or steel armour was invariably the knight dress in their day. A landlord at Surrey Hills (N.S.W.) seized the`cork leg of a female tenant` for rent, thus leaving the woman completely'oi her last leg.' I...
The Tale of a Telephone [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
The Tale of a .Telephone A correspondent upon ;whom ve can place reliance sends us the following : -: "I was once prosperous and happy, but at an evil moment I placed a telephone in my office, and that hour was the turning, point in my destiny. I have steadily gone to riuin since, and I now only long to wrap-my robe about me and occupy an obscure lot in the graveyard. The first night after I received it my wife fell dangerously ill, and I at once rushed- to: the telephone and called up the doctor. After describing my wife's symptoms,- I waited for an answer. Presently a.voice came hoarsely to my hear " Give her a good?washing, that's allshe needs ; you can't expect her to work. well going for five years 'without washing. I - Would turn the hose on her if I were .you,. and when the dirt is all off, polish her- up with.rags dipped in coal oil." I was so paralysed I could not speak for a moment, but I then rung up another doctor, told him how sick my wife was, and asked *him what to do...
Who Had a Hand in It. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
Who Had a Hand in It. Tie following trick. was " perpetrated in one of the public schools m Port Mel bourne. It seems that a few hours exemp. tion from mischief had greatly enlarged the bump of "trickery" in the upper stories of some of the young "ideas," and they took and smeared the balustrades from top to bottom with tar, and when the master came in he very naturally laid his hand on it when he mounted the stairs. He was soon aware of his sad mishap, but said nothing about it until the scholars had been called in and taken their seats, when he acquainted them with the fact, and said he would give any one five shillings who would inform him who had a hand in it. At this moment, up jumped a little red-headed urchin, who said "Thir, you seth you'll give any one five shillings who'll tell who had a hand in it ?" " "Now, thir, you'll not cane me, will" you?" "Well, thii -. Now you won't cane 1" "You- young scahmp,- I'll warm you ilf you don't tell pretty soon." " Thir, y-o-u-oh, I don...
How I Became a Professional Beauty. (A WARNING TO AUSTRALIAN BELLES.) [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
How II Became a Professional Beauty, (A WARNING TO AUSTRALIAN BELLES.) I am a poor miserable woman, and I have by my own foolishness and vanity brought all my trouble on my own head. I know it now that it is too late, and I write this confession so that it maybe a warning to other girls. My father was a country doctor, and I was the fourth of nine children whom heaven is supposed to have blessed him with. When I was about three and-twenty I married a man who was old enough and good enough to be my own father. I have not a word to say against him, except that he was a fool to have married me, and a greater fool when he had married me not to have kept me under proper control. Having always been spoiled and flattered, I had an idea that all I had to do was to go to London to be idolised and run after by everybody. I accordingly made him tike a house m town, and gather all his friends around us. His whole idea seemed to be to please me, and so he consented, and took a little house in So...
Why She Asked. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
Why She Asked. A young lady belonging to one of our first -i 0C.MG. families rethrned from a walk. Her mother, 'who is very: strict with .her, asked '-" Where havevyou been?" . ,, " I have just been taking a little fresh air." " Alone? ' ".Alone." " Are you sure of it ?" ".Of cour.e I am; why dro you ask?"' " Oh, nothing at all, except when you. went. out you took with you .a parasol, and you. came home with a gentleman's cane in your hand." The young'lady has taken the matter to committee, and will bring in a verdict at an early date. We read of '"A gross case of perjury?" we suppose one hundred and forty four lies were in the case,
Ye Juke and Ye Time Payment. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
Ye Juke and Ye. Time Payment. The Juke of Bufflngham was seated in an apartment of one of his large and select as sortment of castles. Beside him` was a table covered with high-priced refreshments, yet he was not'happy. It would have been evi dent to the most casual observer, if be had been present, that the Juke was concealing beneath a calm and haughty exterior a really superior article of anguish. Ever and anon, and sometimes oftener, he consulted his watch. "The hour has passed," he murmured hoarsely. "By me halidome, I fear me much the caitiff will fail me. H.a I a noise I can it be he ? What ho I Without there 1" A menial entered. "Did your Jukeness call ?" "Ay, marry, did I," was the reply. '+ Me thought.I heard the sound of voices at tile wicke.t. Did me ears deceive me, or is there a stranger at the gate ?' " Well. youebet there just is 1" replied the man in the quaint biild fashion of the lime. "There is an .indivi'lual there who.craves admittance to' your Jukeness's prese...
An Awful Sell. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
An Awful Sell. A commercial traveller in the employ of a. big firm writesi: I was travelling by a night express ;train from Melbourne to a northern town`.. I: had a carriage all to.myself fbr' about half the way, when it was entered by a man closely muffled up, who took-the seat opposite ine; I fancied he threw very sinister glances at me from time to time,' but perhaps the fact?: of my having a large sum of money with me made me suspicious. Any.bow, it gave me I quite a start to :perceive' him,' after a little time, put his "hand inside the breast of his coat. ;But what was my horror:when fromn it he:drew out a formidable-looking pistol ! I felt that my life was abiut to be cut short; still I determined I would not die: without a, struggle. Jumping from my seat I sprang upon him, and with a lucky blow dashed 'the:weapon fromhis hand. Reader, try to iimagine my feelingi when the stranger, hav- i ing" disengaged. hiiiself from my grasp,. picked fromp the.,~found the pieces of a broke...
The Completed Epitaph. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
The Completed Epitaph. Our comic poet, while stopping one night at a country house, was continually troubled by the landlady with a request that he should write her. an obituary " pome " so as it should be on hand when required. Accordingly, at night he gave an impromptu as follows: "Good Susan Blake, in royal state, Arrived at last at heaven's gate-" and stopped, promising to finish it in the morning.. The good lady was in a transport at this inscription, and treated " our own" with every possible attention. In the morn ing he was about leaving when the lady re minded him that he had not finished the epitaph. " That is so," said he, and immediately added- "But Peter met her with a club, And knocked her back to Beeslebub." The sly wretch was hilf ways across :the road before he finished the last line, and the pewter pint broke a street lamp.
For Women Only. [Newspaper Article] — Queenscliff Sentinel, Drysdale, Portarlington & Sorrento Advertiser — 14 May 1887
For Women' Only. kA captain who attempted teaching nau ticalism to a pa'rty of ladies on a steamer, not long since, fared as follows : Lady. No. 1-'" Now, captain, what is r a. cutter?" Captain-" A cutter has but one mast." L. (pointing to schooner)-".Is that a cutter ?" C.-" No, that is a schooner. A cutter has but one .mast ; a s.chooner has .iwo, as you see. ° Now.remember-cutter one mast, schooner two. ':" : ; L.- "Certainly. How many masts- hasa: ship ?" C.-" Three." L.-" How many masts did you say a cutter had ?" C.-" One. Cutter one mast, schooner two, ship three." L. (pointing . to a sloop)-" Is that a schooner 7?" C.-" No, that's a cutter. Cutter one mast, schooner two, ship three." L.-" Oh, yes ; I remember," pointing to a ship. "Isn't that a pretty schooner ?" C.-" That's not a schooner-that's a ship. Don't you see it has three masts ?" L.-" Oh, yes: Isn't that a big schooner. lying at tlhewharf there ?"? C.-" Schooner I Now, ;how many masts, :has that vessel ?f" L.-" Thr...