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One for the Butcher. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
One for the Butcher. A candidate at one of the recent byrelectlons was subjected to much In terruption by a butcher, who enjoyed considerable notoriety as a "heckler." The candidate bore the thing good humoredly for a time, but at last he gave his questioner a hint that he was taking up valuable time by ask* ing silly questions. This so enraged the butcher' that he shouted out: "II, I had the candidate in my sau sage machine I'd make mincemeat of him." ~ 1 The candidate calmly retorted: "Ib thy servant a dog that thou ehouldst do this thing?" And nothing more was heard of the butcher.
AN INGENIOUS MACHINE. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
INGENIOUS MACHINE. A few years ago the South Austra lian Government offered a prize for the invention of a stone-gathering machine to be used on some of the barren lands that It was desired to render available for cultivation. The first competition was abortive, for no machines were entered. A.gain the prize was offered, but the two or three machines that were entered failed to do the work. Now, however, we learn (says "The Ilardwareman".) that two Australians have invented an im proved rake and stone gatherer for clearing stony land. The new idea was given a public trial recently, and did its work very successfully. T'le rake, which is triangular in shape, and works in snake fashion, leases the stones in a straight row. It is followed by the stone gatherer, which consists of a large wheel, which picks up all the stones, large and small, and deposits them in the dray which runs alongside. The land was too stony to use for agricultural purposes previous to the trial, and yet, after t...
Mother's Busy Day. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
Mother's "Busy Day. The monologue artist was moving his audience to tears. "Dear old mother!" he was saying. "I will never forget h. w she used to rock all of us children to sleep. There were nineteen of ub, and by the time she had us rocked to-sleepthe alarjo clock rang and she had to get dad's breakfast.". A rich young widow and her weeds are soon parted. Not many. men.think at themselves when they are looking for a place to lay blame. . A woman who has been kjssed hail an Increased respect for herself, which Is compensation tar any incon venience the affair may have caused her. She loses the humiliating seoipo of being a failure from the femitlae point of view.
LAUGHTER AND LONG LIFE. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
LAUGHTER AND LONG LIFE. It may be (observes the "Lancet") that some enthusiastic and laborious German statistician has already ac cumulated figures bearing upon the question of length of life and its rela tion to the enjoyment thereof; if so, we are unacquainted with his results, and yet have a very decided notion that people who enjoy life-cheerful people-are also those to whom long est life is given, commonplace though this sounds, there is no truth more commonly ignored in actual every-day existence. "Oh, yes, of course, worry shortens life, and the contented peo ple live to be old!" we are all ready to say; and yet how many people re cognise the duty of cheerfulness? Most persons will declare that if a man is not naturally cheerful he can not make himself so. Yet this is far from being the case, and there is many a man who is at present a weary 'burden to his relatives, miser able through the carking care cf some bodily ailment perhaps, or some worldly misfortune, who, If he had...
The Wretch. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
The Wretch. "I suppose, Jane, you couldn't think of going to the matinee in that shabby old hat?" "Oh! you dear man. How thought ful you are. I really couldn't think, of it." "Yes! Just what I thought, so I only bought, one ticket." The Suffragettes at Glasgow are causing some trouble by chalking on the pavements. Well, there is satis faction in knowing that they still stand by the old flag. Time was when there were no look ing-glasses. In those days men grew long beards and women wore th-nr hair flowing. When the looking-glass came men shaved themselves to dis cover what they were like; itnd then it was that women began, to worry whether their hats were on straight. There has never been a problem that has caused such waste of time or so much distraction ais this question of the straight hat. Some women like children, some like charltieB, and .some like men. The only art worth studying in life Is that of taking nobody too serious ly.
Too Weak. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
Too Weak. Smith is a lover of coffee, and un .less It is both strong and good the waiter .at restaurant or. hotel soon hears from him. 'Recently he went into a restaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips he made a wry face and then beckonied to the .proprietor. "What do you call this stuff?" he ?asked. "Coffee," meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised. "Coffee!" repeated Smith, with -scorn,. "I could put a coffee-bean into . my mouth, dive into the Yarra, swim up to Kew, and I'll guarantee that .anyone could bail up much better cof fee than this over the entire route." Sir Robert Peel and a friend were -once going through a picture gallery Where there was a portrait of a well known' man who was famous for say ing sharp things. "How wonderfully like!" said tha friend.. "You can see the quiver on his lips." "Yes," replied Sir Robert, "and the -arrows coming out of it." "I have patrician blood in my veins. Members- of my family were traced; to Flodden Field in tbe days of ...
NAPOLEON AND SCIENCE. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
NAPOLEON AND SCIENCE. We think of Napoleon as the great Lord of War, the butcher of human lives, the builder of a great empire, built only to fall even before the death of its founder. It is well to remember that hie gen ius was great also in other most last ingly fruitful fields. He was not onlx a great warrior, but also a great statesT man-and as such he did not fail to re alise the importance to the community of arts and sciences. Writing to the astronomer Oriani, from Milan, which lie had entered in triumph, Napoleon said: "The sciences which do honor to the human mind and the arts which em bellish life and perpetuate great achievements for posterity, should be especially honored under free govern ments. "... I invite the scholars to meet and to give me their opinions as to the means that should be taken, and the needs to be fulfilled, in order to bring new life and activity into the sciences and the fine arts. Those who wish to go to France will be received with dis tinction by...
PERMIT TO REMARRY. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
PERMIT TO REMARRY. Because he has lived "a uniformly good life" for at least Ave years, Mr. Charles R, Pelgram, a millionaire silk manufacturer of Paterson, a town six teen miles from New York, is to be allowed to remarry. A divorce decree granted against him in 1893 contained a ban on his remarriage. Mr. Pelgram has success fully applied to have it lifted, under the provisions of the new Domestic Belations law, which insists that a divorced husband must live a good life for five years before remarrying. Three well-known business men swore that Mr. Pelgram had fulfilled the conditions of the law, and the mil lionaire himself said that he had been following simple life, rules for twenty years. He was married at nineteen.
HONEYMOON TRAMPS. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
HONEYMOON TRAMPS. The average bride when she Changes her orange blossoms and her resplendent wedding dress for the more prosaic travelling costume, does not usually have to prepare for such a- Journey as that undertaken by Mr. and Mrs. Grantham, 01 Alberta. After walking 7000 miles and being held up a dozen times, Norman Grant ham, of Calgary, who, with his bride, formerly Miss Mabel Ryan, of Minne apolis, started last spring on a honey moon tramp around the world, is back in Calgary for a time. Mrs. Grantham's health broke down when the trampers reached Brindisi, on the Mediterranean, forcing the temporary abandonment of the trip. Mr. Grantham will resume the jour ney at once, as soon as his wife's health is restored. Mr. Grantham returns with a whole some respect for the ability of Eng lish pedestrians. He tried to break the record of ten hours find two min utes from London to Dover-sixty eight miles; but the best he could do was eleven hours and twenty-one min utes.
So Did the Dog. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
So Did the Dog. The defendant, who .was charged with keeping a dog wicliout a license, repeatedly tried to interrupt the evi dence, hut was hushed each time hy the court. Finally the clerk turned to hiw: "Do you wish the court to under stand that you refuse to renew your dog .license?" "Yes but "We want no 'huts.' You must re new your license or he fined. You know it expired on 1st January." "Yes; and so did the dog!"
CURIOUS LEGACY TO A SWISS EDITOR. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
CURIOUS LEGACY TO A SWISS EDITOR. A wealthy and eccentric Swiss liv ing at Moscow, who died recently from ,'an accident, left a novel will. Per haps the most curious clause is that a certain sum every year should be paid to the present editor of the jour nal "Wochenzeiturig," of Winterthur, in Switzerland, "To drink to my .health." * The Swiss was a native of Winter thur, and the paper was his favorite one, "but the editor, who has accepted the gift to drink to a dead man's health, never, saw. or heard of the man. There is only one condition attach ed to the bequest: the "ceremonies" must take place on January . 1 and August 1 every year until the editor's death. '' People who live double lives are aipt to discover 1n the end that neither of them was profitable. When a man has failed at every thing else he can still become a critic. Many a man gets a reputation for ?wisdom by leaving things unsaid. The average man gets a lot of un necessary praise after he is dead. A goofi way to fo...
The Grateful Father. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
The Grateful Father. A young man, at the risk of bis life, saved a beautiful girl from drowning. Her grateful father seized the rescuer of bis daughter by the hand, and, in a voice trembling with emotion, said: "Noble youth, to you I am indebted for everything that makes life dear to me. Which reward Will you take -fifty thousand pounds or the hand of my daughter?" "I'll take the daughter," replied the heroic rescuer, thinking thereby to get both the girl and the money. "You have well chosen," replied the: grateful father. "I could not have given ypu the fifty thousand pounds just yet,, anyhow, as I have not laid up that amount,, being only a contri butor to the magazines; but my daughter Is yours for life. Bless you, my children." , It pays to be honest, but too often the pay goes to the other fellow. ; Youngleigh (In art" museum): I wonder why Victory is represented as a female? Wedmore: It's plain to be seen you're not married. Actor: What, back so soon? Didn't the play take? Act...
Vite Vite Concert. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
The first concert over hold at, Vite Vite took place oil Friday night,8th inst., and was a pronounced success. The beautiful moonlight evening unci the enthusiastic ell'orts of the organisers combined to ensure a good attendance, and the program was of a very enjoy able nature. The first half of the en tertainment was provided by the schol ars, whose performances reflected great credit on their teacher, Mr Morris. The remainder of the items were given by vocalists and musicians from Skipton and Derrinnilum. Mr Cairns presided, and during the interval made au inter esting speech on the improved methods of education. Mr jJooley, inspector of schools, supplemented his remarks, and complimented the teacher and scholars on the progress that had been made since the opening of the school. The items given by the schel- rs were as follow : - Dialogue, " When we aic Men," five junior boys ; song, "Babes in the Wood," three junior girls; dialogue, "A Little Mistake," two girls and four boys; r...
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
Mr. ERIC L. THOMAS, L.D.S., M.A.C.D., SURGEON CENTfST, of BALI.ARAT, "TITILL m;iko a subst.antial concession on the travelling expenses of patients T T from this district. Mr Thomas has the best degrees obtainable, and all the latest appliances and methods at his command. Work undertaken in all branches of the profession. Wote Address - Oniy at 8 Bridge Street, EsJIara'i. Commonwealth J|®|»Bank of Bustcalia | HEAD OFFICE SY&NEY | This Bank is open for all dasiei of GENERAL BANKING BUSINESS afc | EQUITABLE BUILDING, COLLINS STREET, MELBOURNE j Also at Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, I'erth, Hobart, Brisbane, Ilockhamplon, Townsville, and London, Cable remittance.1) made to, and drafts drawn on foreign placev dire:'.. foreign bills negotiated and | collected. Letters of credit ijiiied to any p.irt of the world. UilN negotiated or forwarded for i collection. I!;in!&lt;iii'_' and Hwlunjf IfiiiiiU'ss of every description transuded within the Common- j wealth, United Kingdom a...
WIT AMD HUMOR. Bad Boy's Resolutions. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
WIT AMD HUMOR. Bad Boy's Resolution*. "I will not put pins In my dear tea* Cher's chair." (Tacks will hurt just as much,, anyway.) ' "I will not quarrel and fight with my big brothers all this year." (What have I got a little brother for?) "I will not play truant from school to go fishing or swimming." (That is, the winter-time'.) "I will be a regular attendant at Sunday school." (At Christmas-time and just before the summer excursion, of course.) "1 willN not take mother's currant ,Jeily from the pantry without permis sion." (Her raspberry jam iB good -enough for me.) "I will be kind to dumb animals, .such, as tigers, lions and elephants," (Stray cats and dogs, however, had better keep out of this neighborhood.) "I will not-Oh, that's enough: They ^ say the good die young, and I want to live until I catch that red-headed ? boy in the next" street who stuck out .his tongue at me yesterday!"
Advertising [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
' The Big Store, Lismore, Is the place for Good Value, Good Service and Wide Selection. ^ | - Neilson, Graham, & Bustard, Carry the Largest General Assortment of Drapery, Grocery, Crockery, Hardware, Timber, Produce, etc., on the Plains. Our stock is now the heaviest on record, and meets every possible requirement for the AUTUMN and WINTER SEASON. Careful buying has characterised our DRAPERY DEPART MENT, which is now replete with Bargains in Dress Stuffs, Ladies' Costumes, Coats, Golfers, Furs, Rain Cloaks, Flannel and Delaine Blouses, Underwear, and every article of feminine attire. At our prices, every woman can afford a NEW WINTER OUTFIT. Don't put off till next month the dress you should buy to-day. HEADWEAR is an important item in a lady's toilet. That is why we have secured the services of MISS PEPPER, an ex perienced Milliner, who will trim ladies' hats in the newest fashions. We stock Oils and Paints, Machinery Oils, Motor Spirits and Oils, Yates' Reliable Garden See...
GREATER THAN GOLD Published by arrangement with Ward, Lock and Co., London & Melbourne. All Rights Reserved. CHAPTER VIII. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
GREATER THAN GOLD / By L. T. MEADE, Author of "The Soul of Margaret Rand," etc. Published by arrangement with Ward, Lock and Co., London & Melbourne. All Rights Reserved. CHAPTER VIII. Sheila Danvers possessed those at tributes "which are the common and much-valued prerogatives of certain mixed races. On her mother's side she was Irish to her finger-tips; she had all the impetuosity, the fire, the enthusiasm, the imagination o£ those fascinating people. Mrs. Danvers had "been a Carey from Donegal, and her descent was long and pure. On the other side, Sheila's father was a stur dy Yorkshireman, firm of figure, up right in his hearing, and with a splen did sense of conscientiousness. But Sheila inherited something far more valuable than money. She had derived from her mother pride of race and distinction of carriage, Her eyes-those truly Irish eyes-were put in, as the saying is, "with dirty fingers," the skin around them being a shade darker than the rest of the face. Then, co...
AN ARTFUL MAID. [Newspaper Article] — Lismore, Derrinallum and Cressy Advertiser — 20 May 1914
AN ARTFUL MAID. "If you fondly loved me, darling," In her ear he whispered low; "Why unto my first proposal, Did you sadden me with 'No?'" "Well," replied the happy maiden, In between a bill and coo, "I'm afraid JL did it merely, Just to see what you would do." "But," her lover fond protested, In a tone approaching pain, "What if I had rushed off wildly, Never coming back again?" "That," she cried, "could not have happened, Well I knew what was in store, As I took a wee precaution Darling, I-I locked the door!"