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IN RETURN. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
- IN SETDEN. She.was bubbling over with Christ majripirit. She.could keep it no lon gcfiiFi- ' " ' ' ?' Sparest, V she exclaimed to her hus band, "I ju§'t can't wait till Christmas to teil you what I've got you for a present." '.'Well,'7 replied the young husband, " what is it?" " "I've got you a new. rug to put in front of iny dressing table, ^and a oronze statuette for. my parlor mantel piece,'? she blurted out.. 'Now, what are you going to get me?" "Well," he replied contemplatively, "I thinfe I shall get you a new bfiar; pipe ana a safety razor."
IN RHYME. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
IN RHYME. Perhaps you would like to try your hand at answering the following puz zling - questions- ; Do ' 'plants'' for making pretty-gifts grow yj> to Christinas trees ? And are "the sea-son's greetings" sent by salt'Spas of the seas 4 Are Yule-logs cut from snowdriftwood by Yuletide washed ashore? And could you stub a mistletoe against a parlor door? If Eve had tried from holly-twigs a party-gown to weave, Do you suppose that Adam would have called her' "Christmas Eve"? tfaiiit Nicholas in autosleigh defies ? police and laws; Do regulations as to speed contain a ..Santa clause? . _ .
A SCHOLAR'S EFFORT. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
A SCHOLAR'S EFFOBk - ,t-A';chai$di. wi.ich_iad .for/"ilgw'jj^te>r\ no'less famous a man than SeofctJ t5f Greek Lexicon fame, was based on. the iVro^d "toast-rack." Mr. A- E. Ga thorne thus quoted it in; his "Balliol MemoTieas" in '' Corniill": , .' My jirstis found where wit and wine Gomfeine t& grace the-festive board; * My n6xt, where captive. wietch.es pine In dungeons of some tyrant lord, My ^hole, alas f contains the-doomed; Twice tried by fire, ere once con sulted." Many ~'solyers, he"-says, have puzzled over the last jfiSe^.aad ; yet nothing could: mote, accurately. describe a slice 'of brea$5 toasted on" both sides and ithe^e^tea-'r"' *
SOME CHRISTMAS BOX. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
SOME CHRISTMAS BOS. ^'Talking about Christmas boxes," remarked _a commercial traveller, "the ODe I got" last year would be hard to beat. Our guv 'nor never, gave as a j Christmas-box,; so you can imagine -how surprised we were when lie told us to go into his office,'where he sat with a pile of envelopes in his hand. " 1 " 'Gentlemen," ,eaid he, *T intend io give each of yoii a Christmas pres ent this, year. These . envelopes con tain something valuable, which I hope you will make good use of.' . "" "Of course, we thanked him and marched but,' thinking that he was a good sort, after. alL "Asid what dd you think was in the . envelopes t. A cheque!. . No! It was aconfotLaded^rescrip-. ' iaon . for' the enr^' ;«f indigestion! ?' - - Polite : i ;Frenchman-4"Excuse, , ana- . - -dame." ' " . , " - . . ; \.StQut Lady-1" "What'a ^ k v$ra&lt;&ipiiais Beauty: This'is a Very simple little hat. Don't you think so"? The Beast: It is more than simple, my dear, it's idiotic.
SOMETHING WRONG. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
SOMETHING WRONG. The day was drawing to a close Jt>dge, jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant. . "Exactly how far is it between the two tonus i'' he asked at length. For same time Paddy stood thinking, then: "About four miles as the cry Slows," came the answer. "You mean as the flow cries," cor rected the man of law. The judge leaned forward: "Xo, he remarked suavely. "He means as the iiy crow a." Ana then all looked at one another, Reeling \hat something was wrong some where.
CHANGED HIS COURSE. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
CHANGED HIS COURSE. The wounded Tommy ivs sitting up in bed when the nurse brought him in tea. He stared at his plate, and just as the nurse was leaving him, he said: "Oh, I say! Whoever put the butter on this bread?" "Why, I did," re turned the nurse indignantly. Tommy went rather red, and stammered: "I Oh, pardon, nurse, but-well, who scrap ed it off again'?"
A GENERAL CATECHISM. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
A GENERAL CATECHISM. Kow comes your general ^catechism. Stand up and' answer the questions if you can: What is that which has a beard with out a chin, and. must be taken out of bed to be tucked in?-An oyster. When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a lady. When is a.girl/not a girl?-When she turns into a;, milliner's shop. &lt; Can you ask after a person's health in four letters?--EUCD. Why ^vere Adam and Eve a gram matical anomaly ?*-Because they were two relatives wifhout antecedent. When is a silver ;cup most likely to run?-When it is chased. When are streets of a town moat greasy ?-When the rain is dripping. Why is 9. fretful man like a' hardr baked loaf?-Because he is crusty. : Why is avarice like a bad memory? -Because it is always forgetting. ~ ^ Why are men like gooseberries ? Because women make fools of them.
Paying the Minister Out. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
. Paying .the Minister Out. ' A. postman going his rounds one morning recently mot a minister tot whose house he: was going With letters.'. The house 'being off the main ro«d: the po^tinaa- asked 4he . miuister if he would take the letters nj/ himself. . This minister-^iwuHily offeredtotlo tt>, but'onMMa occasion he i-pfiised, sayinjr as _ 3ie walked on,'"The Governm *ni paysyou to take thqai ap to ihy house." ". A "few days" later, when the postman was" 'going upr to i&e house with the letters, he met the minister ruuninfir at bt£ak-ntak.B])ee&lt;l' down'the road. . "Fll...talro ? btepiK yto catoh thetraiii/'Sifi panted. nek ;the - Qovernmeat ^taya ine tae tak' ihem up tb yoar house,'.' was-Ate postman's sarcastic reply,whilehe continued ^ hwiray to 9u manse. ' : Vv V, s
Wedding Presents. (A SUGGESTION) [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
Presents. (A SUGGESTIOH) The groom was dark and Btalwprt, The bride petite-aiid fair ; The old ID aids in the pew sobbed : " Sappy, happy pairT* And spftly from the organ, Up'in the sacred gloom, " The voice that breathed o'er Eden " Stole, like a sweet perfume. I saw the wedding preeente, And they were rich and rare Unbreakable decanters And rubber chinaware. If yon took np a teapot And flang it at the wall, It would rebound as gaily As any tennis ball. And there were dainty whatnots, And statuettes, and plaques ; You simply could not smash them Not if yon med an axe. ' There was a matron near me Looked on them wistful-eyed : "There were not such improvements When I was wed," she sighed. C.R.
HOW HE GOT IT. [Newspaper Article] — The Times and Northern Advertiser, Peterborough, South Australia — 19 December 1919
.HOW HE GOT IT. Premier:-W. M. Hughes/ of Australia, says that he once said- to a friend of his:4? That's a swell umbrella you have got there. Did /you come by it hon estly 1 "I haven't quite figured out., it started to rain the -other day, and I : stepped into a doorWay to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow: coming -along with- a nice large um-^ br'ella, and l thought if he was going as far as" my house I would beg the shelter of his' unbrella. So I stepped ojit and asked: ' Where are you going with that umbrella, young fellow t' and lie dropped the umbrella and. ran."